


do it for the gays

by fakecharliebrown



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Asexual Bokuto Koutarou, Asexual Kita Shinsuke, Asexual Oikawa Tooru, Attempt at Humor, Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou are Bros, Bokuto Koutarou Being Bokuto Koutarou, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Little Shit, Long-Suffering Sawamura Daichi, M/M, Nonbinary Bokuto Koutarou, Nonbinary Kita Shinsuke, Nonbinary Kuroo Tetsurou, Nonbinary Oikawa Tooru, Oblivious Ushijima Wakatoshi, Oikawa Tooru Being Oikawa Tooru, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Team Dad Sawamura Daichi, Trans Sawamura Daichi, guess ill just have to make it one, one day ao3 will be forced to acknowledge me and my comfort headcanons, rubs my dirty lgbt hands all over the hq characters, that also isnt a real tag, why isnt that a real tag ur all cowards
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:54:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 18,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26095933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fakecharliebrown/pseuds/fakecharliebrown
Summary: oya oyahas addeddont say it, rubber chicken,and2 othersto the chatso hear me out[12:11] dont say it:well this should be good[12:11] oya oya:hear me outor; Kuroo creates a groupchat with big plans and bigger dreams in mind. It's all downhill from there.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kita Shinsuke/Miya Osamu, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 343
Kudos: 284





	1. [12:35] oya oya: also they have plot significant character energy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> name help:
> 
> kuroo tetsurou > oya oya  
> bokuto koutarou > rubber chicken  
> oikawa tooru > valentino white bag  
> sawamura daichi > dont say it  
> ushijima wakatoshi > Ushijima Wakatoshi  
> kita shinsuke > kitsune

**oya oya** has added  **dont say it, rubber chicken,** and  **2 others** to the chat  **so hear me out**

**[12:11] dont say it:** well this should be good

**[12:11] oya oya:** hear me out

**[12:12] oya oya:** wow daichi i cant believe u stole the first message from me in my own groupchat

**[12:12] oya oya:** anyway hear me out

**[12:13] rubber chicken:** fshsdaghsadsfn whas goin on

**[12:13] oya oya:** were you asleep again

**[12:14] rubber chicken:** no

**[12:14] oya oya:** [suspicious pause]

**[12:14] rubber chicken:** shhhhhhh

**[12:15] oya oya:** ANYWAY hear me out

**[12:15] oya oya:** friends, acquaintances, people i barely know

**[12:16] dont say it:** theres only four of us

**[12:16] oya oya:** u all rlly like stealing my thunder dont u

**[12:16] rubber chicken:** im sorry bro go on

**[12:17] oya oya:** THANK U anyway i have gathered u all here today for one reason and one reason only

**[12:17] oya oya:** [pause for dramatic effect]

**[12:17] dont say it:** this is why we keep cutting you off

**[12:18] oya oya:** FUCK OFF

**[12:18] oya oya:** anyway

**[12:18] oya oya:** giant volleyball groupchat

**[12:19] dont say it:** what

**[12:19] rubber chicken:** i dont get it

**[12:19] oya oya:** i brought all of u captains here so that u can add ur teams and any other captains u know of which will then help us build a giant groupchat for all the volleyball players in the hs circuit bc i think thatd be chaotic

**[12:20] valentino white bag:** i think everyone would mute that

**[12:20] oya oya:** nobody asked u

**[12:20] valentino white bag:** then why did u bring me here

**[12:21] rubber chicken:** hes got u there

**[12:21] oya oya:** why do u all insist on crushing my dreams

**[12:22] dont say it:** its fun

**[12:22] oya oya:** WOW

**[12:22] oya oya:** am i the only one who thought daichi was nicer than that

**[12:23] valentino white bag:** yes

**[12:23] oya oya:** u dont count ur team has that weird rivalry with karasuno in which u all hate each other despite being like,, relatively ok ppl

**[12:24] rubber chicken:** wait bro arent u the one thats always going on abt some weird battle of the garbage dumpster or smth

**[12:24] oya oya:** first of all its battle at the trash heap

**[12:24] oya oya:** second of all dont call me out like that i thought we were bros

**[12:25] rubber chicken:** sorry bro

**[12:25] dont say it:** isnt bokuto normally more energetic

**[12:26] rubber chicken:** im half asleep

**[12:26] oya oya:** so you  _ were  _ sleeping

**[12:27] oya oya:** dont u have things to do

**[12:28] rubber chicken:** ya im in class 

**[12:29] valentino white bag:** but its saturday

**[12:29] rubber chicken:** wait is that why nobodys in class w me

**[12:30] oya oya:** bro

**[12:30] dont say it:** out of curiosity, why did you  _ think  _ nobody was at school

**[12:31] rubber chicken:** out sick

**[12:31] valentino white bag:** the entire school?

**[12:31] rubber chicken:** ya why

**_valentino white bag_ ** _ has left the chat  _ **_so hear me out_ **

**[12:32] oya oya:** oi

**_oya oya_ ** _ has added  _ **_valentino white bag_ ** _ to the chat  _ **_so hear me out_ **

**[12:32] valentino white bag:** let me out

**[12:33] oya oya:** no

**[12:34] oya oya:** anyway does anyone know of any more team captains that we actually care about

**[12:34] dont say it:** actually kuroo wait

**[12:34] dont say it:** why did u even add oikawa and ushijima you have literally never met either of them

**[12:35] oya oya:** i did some digging abt the miyagi prefecture interhigh and they seemed interesting

**[12:35] oya oya:** also they have plot significant character energy

**[12:36] dont say it:** what

**[12:36] oya oya:** dont worry about it

**[12:36] dont say it:** yeah ok

**_dont say it_ ** _ has added  _ **_kitsune_ ** _ to the chat  _ **_so hear me out_ **

**[12:37] dont say it:** this is the inarizaki team captain, kita shinsuke

**[12:37] dont say it:** i dont know why his name looks like that

**[12:38] oya oya:** excellent

**[12:38] valentino white bag:** has anyone ever told u that u give off supervillain vibes

**[12:39] oya oya:** pot calling the kettle

**_valentino white bag_ ** _ has left the chat  _ **_so hear me out_ **

**_oya oya_ ** _ has added  _ **_valentino white bag_ ** _ to the chat  _ **_so hear me out_ **

**[12:39] oya oya:** would u cut that out

**[12:40] valentino white bag:** never

**[12:40] oya oya:** ok well now that all the important captains are here i think we should go ahead with the giant volleyball groupchat plan

**[12:41] rubber chicken:** ok!

**[12:41] dont say it:** hold on

**[12:41] dont say it:** maybe itd be smarter to get to know each other first before we clutter this groupchat with other people and have it inevitably turn into something 90% of people ignore

**[12:41] dont say it:** i mean as it is i think you and bokuto are the only ppl in this chat who are actually friends

**[12:42] dont say it:** i can see u typing i know whats coming

**[12:42] dont say it:** dont say it

**[12:42] oya oya:** daichis such a dad

**[12:42] oya oya:** fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine we’ll give it like

**[12:43] oya oya:** a week? to get to know each other?

**[12:43] dont say it:** two weeks

**[12:43] oya oya:** boring /:

**[12:43] oya oya:** but fine

**[12:44] rubber chicken:** hell yeah!! we’re gettin a captains groupchat!!!! 

**[12:44] valentino white bag:** can i leave

**[12:45] oya oya:** no

**[12:45] valentino white bag:** sigh

  
  


**[13:01] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** While I admire your idea, Kuroo, I’m afraid I do not know of any teammates of mine who use this software. I apologize. 

**[13:02] valentino white bag:** is that fucking ushiwaka

**[13:02] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** Hello, Oikawa. 

**_valentino white bag_ ** _ has left the chat  _ **_so hear me out_ **

**[13:03] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** Was it something I said?

**_oya oya_ ** _ has added  _ **_valentino white bag_ ** _ to the chat  _ **_so hear me out_ **

**[13:04] oya oya:** fucking STOP

**[13:04] valentino white bag:** never

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was bound to happen eventually
> 
> dont worry more characters will come in eventually


	2. [19:06] dont say it: u two fuel each other in ways i dont appreciate

**so hear me out**

**[18:19] rubber chicken:** im bored ):

**[18:20] oya oya:** tragic

**[18:20] rubber chicken:** bro ): why are u mean to me i am just sharing my feelings )):

**[18:21] oya oya:** im sorry bo pls continue

**[18:21] rubber chicken:** thank u

**[18:21] rubber chicken:** im booooooredddddd )))))))))))))))):

**[18:22] oya oya:** thats rough buddy

**[18:22] rubber chicken:** kuroo why dont u love me

**[18:23] oya oya:** my heart is cold and empty

**[18:23] valentino white bag:** u were dming me like four mins ago abt some person u have a crush on 

**[18:23] oya oya:** dude pls 

**[18:24] oya oya:** i have a reputation to uphold here

**[18:25] rubber chicken:** as fascinating as kuroos undying love for kenma is 

**[18:25] oya oya:** sfdDFSHFSDHGSDHSDF BRO 

**[18:25] rubber chicken:** why arent we talking abt me ): we started this conversation talking abt me )):

**[18:26] oya oya:** its bc nobody cares

**[18:26] rubber chicken:** why doesnt kuroo love me i thought we were bros

**[18:27] valentino white bag:** didnt we literally just go over this

**[18:27] rubber chicken:** why wont someone just pay attention to me

**[18:28] dont say it:** im sorry bokuto what do u need

**[18:28] rubber chicken:** im bored )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))):

**[18:28] dont say it:** and what would u like us to do abt that

**[18:29] rubber chicken:** lets play a game!!

**[18:29] valentino white bag:** daichi why

**[18:30] dont say it:** what kind of game did u have in mind

**[18:31] rubber chicken:** oh oh i know!!!!

**[18:31] rubber chicken:** lets all go around and tell everyone one thing abt ourselves that nobody else knows!!!

**[18:31] dont say it:** should we also go around and say our pronouns

**[18:31] dont say it:** since we’ve never actually talked abt that here

**[18:32] oya oya:** daichi are u actually a father

**[18:32] dont say it:** im eighteen

**[18:32] oya oya:** and

**[18:33] valentino white bag:** i can  _ hear  _ daichi sighing 

**[18:33] dont say it:** somehow, and i dont know how u managed this, u guys are worse than tanaka and noya

**[18:34] valentino white bag:** first of all i am a treasure and u are all blessed to be in my presence so jot that down,

**[18:34] oya oya:** oikawa is the kind of treasure where u have to go on this big long journey and then at the end its just some bs abt how the real treasure was the friends u made along the way and its supremely unsatisfying

**[18:35] valentino white bag:** first of all fuck you

**[18:35] oya oya:** no <3

**_valentino white bag_ ** _ has left the chat  _ **_so hear me out_ **

**_oya oya_ ** _ has added  _ **_valentino white bad_ ** _ to the chat  _ **_so hear me out_ **

**[18:36] valentino white bag:** i hate u

**[18:36] oya oya:** thats fair

**[18:37] oya oya:** anyway what up im kuroo im 18 and i never fucking learned how to read

**[18:37] valentino white bag:** we know

**[18:38] oya oya:** wow fuck off??

**[18:39] valentino white bag:** no <3

**[18:40] rubber chicken:** guys ))))))))))))))))): game ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))):

**[18:40] dont say it:** okay, how about we go around and state our name, pronouns, and a fact nobody here knows abt us? 

**[18:40] dont say it:** ill start

**[18:41] dont say it:** my names daichi, i use he/him, and my fact is that i like fruit-related things

**[18:42] oya oya:** what up im kuroo i use they/them and uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i cant play video games for shit

**[18:42] valentino white bag:** isnt ur best friend like. a pro gamer

**[18:43] oya oya:** ya whats ur point

**[18:43] valentino white bag:** sigh

**[18:43] rubber chicken:** im bokuto!!! i use he/him and my fact is that i collect stuffed animals!!!!!!!!!!!

**[18:44] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** I’m Ushijima, I use he/him pronouns. I don’t think I have any interesting facts about myself to tell.

**[18:44] rubber chicken:** aw cmon theres gotta b somethin!! do u have any hobbies??

**[18:44] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** Volleyball. 

**[18:$5] rubber chicken:** how did u meet ur best friend??

**[18:45] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** Tendou is my middle blocker.

**[18:45] rubber chicken:** ,,what item is to ur immediate left

**[18:46] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** A volleyball.

**[18:46] rubber chicken:** help me

**[18:47] oya oya:** lmao sorry bro idk what to do w that

**[18:47] oya oya:** i guess ushijima was just born to play vball, huh

**[18:47] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** I like to think so.

**[18:47] oya oya:** aw

**[18:48] oya oya:** thats actually kinda pure

**[18:48] valentino white bag:** barf

**[18:48] valentino white bag:** nothing abt ushiwaka is “pure” hes a snake

**[18:49] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** But my team mascot is an eagle? 

**[18:49] valentino white bag:** im going to kill u in real life

**[18:50] rubber chicken:** aw dont b like that oikawa!! ur the only one who hasnt shared 

**[18:50] rubber chicken:** join the sharing circle :>

**[18:51] oya oya:** one of us one of us one of us one of us

**[18:51] valentino white bag:** im oikawa, i use they/them, and my fact is that in middle school i ran a conspiracy theory blog with a particular focus on aliens that had like,, 100k followers

**[18:51] oya oya:** what the fuck

**[18:52] valentino white bag:** aliens are out there buddy its just a matter of finding them

**[18:53] dont say it:** i dont know how to respond to this

**[18:53] valentino white bag:** why are u all shaming my interests can i not simply exist as a firm believer in aliens without facing slander

**[18:54] oya oya:** i mean dont get me wrong i definitely believe in aliens i just cant believe u ran a blog for it

**[18:54] valentino white bag:** why 

**[18:54] oya oya:** how to put this nicely

**[18:55] rubber chicken:** u seem too self absorbed and preppy to be into something as nerdy as a conspiracy theory blog!!

**_valentino white bag_ ** _ has left the chat  _ **_so hear me out_ **

**_oya oya_ ** _ has added  _ **_valentino white bag_ ** _ to the chat  _ **_so hear me out_ **

**[18:56] valentino white bag:** i hate it here

**[18:56] oya oya:** i know

**[18:56] rubber chicken:** that game was so short )): LETS PLAY SMTH ELSE

**[18:57] dont say it:** like what

**[18:57] valentino white bag:** daichi stop encouraging him

**[18:58] rubber chicken:** oh oh lets play truth or dare!!!!!!!!!

**[18:59] valentino white bag:** ill leave again dont think i wont

**[18:59] oya oya:** i never expected oikawa to be a coward and a spoilsport but here we are

**[18:59] valentino white bag:** i fucking hate you

**[19:00] valentino white bag:** lets do this

**[19:00] dont say it:** kuroo that was dirty

**[19:01] oya oya:** proud of it too

**[19:01] valentino white bag:** when i kill them dont tell anyone it was me

**[19:01] oya oya:** oikawa stop making death threats challenge

**[19:02] valentino white bag:** im going to find your location and break into your home and steal each and every single one of your knives and then i am going to melt them down into a metal bust of your head that i will then leave on your doorstep in the dead of night

**[19:02] oya oya:** oikawa go back to making death threats because im fucking terrified challenge

**[19:02] valentino white bag:** thats what i thought

**[19:03] rubber chicken:** anyway!! is everyone down w truth or dare??

**[19:04] dont say it:** yeah, why not

**[19:04] dont say it:** its not like it can go any worse than it does when i play with my team

**[19:05] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** Famous last words. 

**[19:05] rubber chicken:** fdsgahgd ushiwaka memes?? breaking news??

**[19:06] oya oya:** THIS JUST IN: local vball captain who is emotionally constipated actually knows how to make jokes? more on this shocking development at 10

**[19:06] dont say it:** u two fuel each other in ways i dont appreciate

**[19:07] rubber chicken:** ill go first!! hmmmmmmmm

**[19:07] rubber chicken:** daichi!! truth or dare??

**[19:07] dont say it:** truth

**[19:07] rubber chicken:** booooooooooooooooooooooooring

**[19:08] rubber chicken:** ok do u have a crush on anyone?????????

**[19:08] dont say it:** yeah

**[19:08] rubber chicken:** GFDHSDSFHSVDAKNFDS

**[19:08] rubber chicken:** SPILL?????????????????????????????????

**[19:09] dont say it:** alas, im only required to answer one question during my turn

**[19:09] rubber chicken:** bitch

**[19:09] dont say it:** yeah

**[19:10] dont say it:** ushijima, truth or dare

**[19:10] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** Truth. 

**[19:10] oya oya:** yall are weak

**[19:10] dont say it:** ignore them

**[19:10] oya oya:** wow rude

**[19:11] dont say it:** okay ushijima, if you couldn’t play volleyball what club do you think youd join

**[19:11] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** Gardening club. I find it relaxing.

**[19:12] oya oya:** ushijima is too pure for my cursed groupchat

**[19:12] oya oya:** is everyone from shiratorizawa like this or is he just special

**[19:13] Ushjimia Wakatoshi:** No, it’s just me. Tendou is worse than you when it comes to memes and practical jokes. 

**[19:13] oya oya:** h

**[19:13] oya oya:** he actually said “practical jokes”

**[19:13] oya oya:** help i dont know how to make sarcastic jokes abt someone so sincere and honest

**[19:14] valentino white bag:** i think ur overhyping him

**[19:14] valentino white bag:** hes still an arrogant asshole

**[19:15] oya oya:** but

**[19:15] oya oya:** gestures vaguely

**[19:15] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** Is it my turn?

**[19:16] rubber chicken:** ye

**[19:16] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** Alright. Oikawa, truth or dare?

**[19:17] valentino white bag:** squints

**[19:17] valentino white bag:** dare

**[19:17] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** I dare you to transfer to Shiratorizawa.

**[19:17] oya oya:** dsahdghsdg

**[19:18] valentino white bag:** truth

**[19:18] ushijima Wakatoshi:** Tell me why you didn’t come to Shiratorizawa. 

**_valentino white bag_ ** _ has left the chat  _ **_so hear me out_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao im back 
> 
> the truth or dare game will continue next chap!! this chap was just getting rlly long lmao


	3. [19:25] oya oya: oikawa has flat ass energy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> name help:
> 
> name help:
> 
> kuroo tetsurou > oya oya  
> bokuto koutarou > rubber chicken  
> oikawa tooru > valentino white bag  
> sawamura daichi > dont say it  
> ushijima wakatoshi > Ushijima Wakatoshi  
> kita shinsuke > kitsune

**_oya oya_ ** _has added_ **_valentino white bag_ ** _to the chat_ **_so hear me out_ **

**[19:19] oya oya:** getting real tired of ur bullshit oikawa

**[19:20] valentino white bag:** kuroo truth or dare

**[19:20] oya oya:** im not a coward

**[19:20] oya oya:** dare

**[19:21] valentino white bag:** i dare you to let me leave this chat

**[19:21] oya oya:** fuck

**[19:21] rubber chicken:** lmaoooooooo get their ass oikawa

**[19:22] oya oya:** do not come near me or my juicy ass

**[19:23] rubber chicken:** bro i love u but u got a flat ass

**[19:23] oya oya:** EXCUSE ME

**[19:23] oya oya:** in the words of spencer shay from icarly 

**[19:23] oya oya:** it is like two fresh apples down there

**[19:24] rubber chicken:** no its not

**[19:25] valentino white bag:** why is this a thing we’re talking abt

**[19:25] oya oya:** oikawa has flat ass energy

**[19:26] valentino white bag:** i hate it here

**[19:27] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** I have seen Oikawa’s ass, and it is indeed quite flat.

**[19:27] valentino white bag:** im going to kill u in real life

**[19:28] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** Please try to spice up your death threats, that one’s getting old. 

**[19:28] oya oya:** FDSHGASHDSFDS

**[19:28] rubber chicken:** SDSDGAJGFSJSGDKDBFHGR

**_valentino white bag_ ** _has left the chat_ **_so hear me out_ **

**_oya oya_ ** _has added_ **_valentino white bag_ ** _to the chat_ **_so hear me out_ **

**[19:29] oya oya:** you know this is actually getting old

**[19:29] valentino white bag:** then let me OUT

**[19:29] oya oya:** no <3

**[19:30] valentino white bag:**

**[19:30] dont say it:** i look away for five (5) mins and somehow u have objectified kuroo and oikawa and made oikawa leave the chat again

**[19:30] dont say it:** id be mad but im actually kind of impressed

**[19:30] oya oya:** in the spirit of objectifying ppl

**[19:30] oya oya:** bokuto is thicc

**[19:31] rubber chicken:** bro why

**[19:31] oya oya:** im not wrong

**[19:32] oya oya:** tbh daichi and ushijima are also thicc

**[19:32] valentino white bag:** yeah but ushiwaka has an ass flatter than the horizon

**[19:33] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** This, coming from you. 

**[19:33] valentino white bag:** i hate it here

**[19:34] oya oya:** uve mentioned 

**[19:34] oya oya:** love how daichi said nothing in regards to him being thicc

**[19:34] dont say it:** bold of u to assume i havent heard it a million times from my team

**[19:35] dont say it:** even tanaka says it and hes the token straight out of karasuno

**[19:35] oya oya:** th

**[19:35] oya oya:** the what

**[19:35] rubber chicken:** fdsfsdhsdhdfs nobody told me daichi was this funny

**[19:36] dont say it:** should i be offended that u didnt think id be funny just from looking at me

**[19:36] oya oya:** wait wait slam it in reverse and back this mf truck up

**[19:36] oya oya:** did u just call that bald kid the TOKEN STRAIGHT????????????????

**[19:37] dont say it:** yeah why

**[19:37] oya oya:** is

**[19:37] oya oya:** is everyone at karasuno gay then

**[19:38] valentino white bag:** kuroo pls update ur gaydar 

**[19:38] valentino white bag:** have u SEEN that team

**[19:38] valentino white bag:** fucking of course they’re all gay

**[19:39] dont say it:** thats rich coming from the gayest team out there

**[19:39] valentino white bag:** i never said my team _wasnt_ gay

**[19:39] valenitno white bag:** we dont even have a token straight we’re literally all gay in some way shape or form

**[19:40] oya oya:** incredible

**[19:40] dont say it:** tanaka is the token straight in that he is incredibly heterosexual but also like

**[19:40] dont say it:** i think his motto is “who hasnt had gay thoughts” 

**[19:41] valentino white bag:** sounds abt right

**[19:41] rubber chicken:** karasuno and seijou sound like lovely teams to be a part of 0:

**[19:41] rubber chicken:** would kill to b surrounded by gays all day

**[19:42] oya oya:** isnt akaashi literally ur bff

**[19:42] oya oya:** who u hang out with literally 24/7

**[19:43] rubber chicken:** ya why

**[19:43] oya oya:** dude

**[19:44] oya oya:** akaashi is literally the gayest mf i’ve ever met in my life

**[19:45] rubber chicken:** omg what

**[19:45] rubber chicken:** no they arent

**[19:45] valentino white bag:** being friends with you makes me tired

**[19:45] valentino white bag:** is this how my team feels hanging out with me

**[19:45] valentino white bag:** IWA-CHAN READ OVER MY SHOULDER AND SAID YES???? IM???????????????

**[19:46] dont say it:** thats cold

**[19:46] valentino white bag:** betrayed by the ones i love the most

**[19:47] oya oya:** fat rip

**[19:47] oya oya:** anyway bo how can u possibly think akaashi is straight. have u met them?

**[19:47] valentino white bag:** ive seen clips of ur matches before and im 90% sure akaashi stares at ur ass when u arent paying attention to them

**[19:48] rubber chicken:** um thats never bc im always paying attention to akaashi i love they

**[19:48] oya oya:** we know

**[19:48] oya oya:** u and akaashi are hella gay for each other and its insufferable

**[19:49] rubber chicken:** says u

**[19:49] oya oya:** whats that supposed to mean

**[19:49] rubber chicken:** it means u and kenma are GAY

**[19:49] rubber chicken:** FOR EACH OTHER

**[19:50] rubber chicken:** but for SOME REASON

**[19:50] rubber chicken:** U REFUSE TO DO ANYTHING ABT IT

**[19:51] oya oya:** kenma is not gay for me wtf

**[19:51] oya oya:** i dont think kenma even experiences romantic attraction

**[19:52] valentino white bag:** and did u _ask_ whether or not they experience romantic attraction

**[19:52] oya oya:** well no

**[19:52] valentino white bag:** then shut the fuck up

**[19:53] valentino white bag:** this goes for u too bokuto

**[19:53] valentino white bag:** dont make assumptions abt ur friends sexualities and talk abt how hopeless ur crushes are when u dont _know_

**[19:54] valentino white bag:** especially not in front of me, who is deadass in love with a straight man

**[19:55] oya oya:** oh tea?

**[19:55] rubber chicken:** WHOMST

**[19:56] valentino white bag:** lmao isnt it obvious

**[19:56] valentino white bag:** iwa-chan

**[19:57] dont say it:** im calling bullshit

**[19:57] valentino white bag:** u cant call bullshit on my feels daichi thats not how that works

**[19:58] dont say it:** well i know _that_

**[19:58] dont say it:** i meant i dont think hes straight

**[19:59] valentino white bag:** he literally has a gf

**[19:59] oya oya:** > **_[19:39] valentino white bag:_ ** _we dont even have a token straight we’re literally all gay in some way shape or form_

**[19:59] oya oya:** this u?

**[19:59] valentino white bag:** wow rude

**[20:00] valentino white bag:** cant believe i am being emotionally vulnerable on main and kuroo is dragging me

**[20:00] valentino white bag:** i am an angel i do not deserve ur slander

**[20:00] oya oya:** sounds fake but ok

**[20:01] dont say it:** at the very least, oikawa and i are in the same boat

**[20:01] valentino white bag:** oh?

**[20:02] dont say it:** yeah, im pretty sure suga has a crush on a member of the girls’ volleyball team at my school

**[20:02] dont say it:** he always gets super mad whenever she talks to me

**[20:03] valentino white bag:** ur joking right

**[20:04] oya oya:** i lied before SUGA is the gayest mf ive ever met

**[20:04] oya oya:** but akaashi is still very very gay

**[20:05] rubber chicken:** no u

**[20:05] oya oya:** now is not the time to uno reverse card me bo

**[20:06] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** What does ‘gay’ mean?

**[20:06] oya oya:**

**[20:06] rubber chicken:**

**[20:06] dont say it:**

**[20:06] valentino white bag:** ur kidding me right

**[20:07] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** No. Why? Is it something bad?

**_valentino white bag_ ** _has left the chat_ **_so hear me out_ **

**_oya oya_ ** _has added_ **_valentino white bag_ ** _to the chat_ **_so hear me out_ **

**[20:07] oya oya:** get back in here bitch

**[20:07] valentino white bag:** on god i almost committed real murder right here i almost hopped on a bus to shiratorizawa and murdered ushijima where he stands

**[20:08] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** I’m sitting. 

**[20:08] valentino white bag:** dont fucking test me

**[20:09] dont say it:** to answer your question, ushijima, being gay is when someone experiences romantic and/or sexual attraction to someone of their same gender. a lot of nonbinary and gender nonconforming individuals identify as gay as well, even if they are attracted to someone within the gender binary (such as oikawa and kuroo)

**[20:09] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** I see. Thank you for explaining, Daichi. 

**[20:10] rubber chicken:** u good buddy?

**[20:10] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** I think I have some things to think about. 

**[20:11] oya oya:** oh shit

**[20:11] oya oya:** did i create the chat responsible for ushijimas gay awakening

**[20:12] rubber chicken:** kinda looks like it

**[20:12] oya oya:** i have won

  
 **[20:12] valentino white bag:** can i leave now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ushijima has big I Dont Know Whats Going On energy and i think that extends to his gayness send tweet
> 
> uhhhhhhhhhhhh be gay do crime i guess idk see u next chap


	4. [12:59] kitsune: my life is a sitcom and i am a lovable side character.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> name help:
> 
> kuroo tetsurou > oya oya  
> bokuto koutarou > rubber chicken  
> oikawa tooru > valentino white bag  
> sawamura daichi > dont say it  
> ushijima wakatoshi > Ushijima Wakatoshi  
> kita shinsuke > kitsune

**so hear me out**

**[12:23] oya oya:** ** _@Ushijima Wakatoshi_** u good?

**[12:23] Ushijima Wakatoshi: I** t has come to my attention that I am gay.

**[12:24] rubber chicken:** nice!! me too lol

**[12:25] dont say it:** im fairly certain we’re all gay here

**[12:26] oya oya:** i mean

**[12:26] oya oya:** hes not wrong

**[12:27] valentino white bag:** help

**[12:27] dont say it:** is something wrong?

**[12:28] valentino white bag:** sfdhasgsd ok so

**[12:28] valentino white bag:** i was hanging out with makki doing makeovers yknow

**[12:28] valentino white bag:** and makki took a pic while i wasnt paying attention and i was wearing a new shirt i literally bought yesterday

**[12:29] oya oya:** where are u going with this

**[12:29] valentino white bag:** shut the fuck up 5 a 12 is speaking

**[12:29] valentino white bag:** anyway

**[12:30] valentino white bag:** makki sent the pic to the seijou team groupchat

**[12:30] valentino white bag:** AND IWA-CHAN REPLIED WITH “WISH I HAD AN S/O WHO LOOKED LIKE THAT”

**[12:30] valentino white bag:** SO I SAID “HI” BC THATS ME AND HE SAID “NO” AS IF IM NOT LITERALLY THE PERSON IN THE PICTURE????

**[12:31] valentino white bag** : this isnt fair doesnt he know what hes doing to my poor heart

**[12:31] oya oya:** i know ive said this before but this time i really do mean it from the bottom of my heart when i say

**[12:31] oya oya:** thats rough buddy

**[12:32] valentino white bag:** i hate it here

**[12:32] dont say it:** michimiya interrupted my hang out with suga this afternoon and he was in a bad mood for the rest of it

**[12:32] dont say it:** oikawa and i rlly are goin thru it arent we

**[12:33] valentino white bag:** no bc ur stupid

**[12:33] valentino white bag:** my guy actually has a gf

**[12:34] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** I actually think we are all struggling with unrequited love, Oikawa. We shouldn’t compare hardships.

**[12:34] valentino white bag:** first of all fuck you,

**[12:34] valentino white bag:** second of all youve been pining for like. two days

**[12:35] valentino white bag:** im going to compare hardships if i want to bc my FIVE YEARS beats your two days by a landslide

**[12:35] oya oya:** bold of u to assume i havent been in love with kenma for six years

**[12:35] valentino white bag:** BOLD OF U TO ASSUME I CARE?? KENMA IS SO GAY FOR U IT ISNT EVEN FUNNY 

**[12:35] valentino white bag:** IWA-CHAN HAS A  _ GIRLFRIEND _

**[12:36] valentino white bag:** WHO IS A  _ GIRL _

**[12:36] valentino white bag:** and even if he was single,, all the dresses and makeup in the world wont make me a girl so it rlly is hopeless over here in oikawa-ville

**[12:37] dont say it:** i think youre blowing this out of proportion

**[12:37] dont say it:** isnt it possible that iwaizumi is bi or pan?

**[12:37] valentino white bag:** do all of u not know how to read or smth

**[12:37] valentino white bag:** how many times must i tell u he has a GIRLFRIEND for u all to understand my plight

**[12:38] rubber chicken:** damn oikawa rlly leaving no survivors tonight

**[12:38] valentino white bag:** dont talk to me

**[12:39] kitsune:** oh. seems i’ve missed a lot.

**[12:39] rubber chicken:** hey hey heyy!! its kita right???

**[12:40] kitsune:** kita shinsuke, yes. 

**[12:40] rubber chicken:** cool cool cool!! pls introduce urself w ur name and pronouns and a fun fact abt you!!!!

**[12:41] kitsune:** i'm kita shinsuke, i use they/them. a fun fact about me is that i want to be a rice farmer when i graduate.

**[12:42] rubber chicken:** NICE NICE NICE

**[12:42] rubber chicken:** I LOVE RICE

**[12:43] kitsune:** so does my boyfriend. 

**[12:43] rubber chicken:** BOYFRIEND

**[12:43] oya oya:** BOYFRIEND

**[12:43] dont say it:** BOYFRIEND

**[12:43] valentino white bag:** BOYFRIEND

**[12:43] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** Boyfriend?

**[12:44] valentino white bag:** way to kill the trend ushiwaka

**[12:44] dont say it:** dont be rude oikawa

**[12:45] oya oya:** daichi u cant just tell someone not to be themselves

**[12:45] valentino white bag:** i hate u

**[12:45] oya oya:** yeah i know

**[12:46] rubber chicken:** GUYS 

**[12:46] rubber chicken:** BIGGER PICTURE HERE

**[12:47] rubber chicken:** KITA HAS A  _ BOYFRIEND _

**[12:47] kitsune:** yes. is that a problem?

**[12:47] oya oya:** lol no we’re all gay here

**[12:48] dont say it:** we’re all just jealous that you've managed to get a date

**[12:48] rubber chicken:** yeah ): we’re all pining over here

**[12:49] kitsune:** i offer my condolences to all of you.

**[12:49] valentino white bag:** dont give them to ushiwaka he doesnt deserve them

**[12:50] valentino white bag:** hes only been pining for like two days

**[12:51] rubber chicken:** wait wait wait i wanna know how it happened!!

**[12:51] kitsune:** how what happened?

**[12:51] rubber chicken:** the confessionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

**[12:52] rubber chicken:** let me live vicariously thru u

**[12:52] kitsune:** ah, okay. i wasn’t the one who initiated it, though. 

**[12:53] kitsune:** osamu approached me before practice one day a few months back and asked if we could speak in private. here, i’ll ask osamu his perspective on it.

**[12:54] rubber chicken:** omg

**[12:55] kitsune:** this is copied and pasted from osamu:

**[12:55] kitsune:** > _ so i was dared by atsumu to confess to whoever i had a crush on in the midst of an ill-advised late night game of dare or worse dare _

**[12:55] rubber chicken:** dare or worse dare sfhsdhsd

**[12:55] valentino white bag:** im curious as to what the rules of that game are

**[12:55] dont say it:** shh guys let kita speak

**[12:56] kitsune:** > _ so obviously i was like okay im not a coward. i will confess to kita and then immediately quit the team. _

**[12:56] valentino white bag:** SFHSDHFDSHKGSD

**[12:56] oya oya:** why is that all of us. i feel called out

**[12:56] kitsune:** > _ so im like hey can i uhhhhhhhhhhhh talk to u before practice _

**[12:57] kitsune:** > _ with the club resignation form already filled out and held behind my back, seeing as the plan was to confess and then immediately go find the club advisor _

**[12:57] kitsune:** > _ but then you actually liked me back and i was like ?????????????? i didnt get this far what do i do now _

**[12:57] kitsune:** this is all true. he blanked out for a solid two minutes after i said i liked him back i thought he might’ve died.

**[12:58] oya oya:** tbh i would probably die too if kenma said they liked me back so i feel for osamu

**[12:58] valentino white bag:** i am yelling kita pls this story is so funny

**[12:59] kitsune:** my life is a sitcom and i am a lovable side character. 

**[12:59] rubber chicken:** FDSHDSHFKSDFS

**[12:59] dont say it:** whos the main character?

**[13:00] kitsune:** the miya twins, obviously. they cause too much mayhem to be anything but protagonists.

**[13:00] dont say it:** i feel that

**[13:00] dont say it:** sometimes just looking at kageyama and hinata and all of their energy makes me tired. i could never handle the stress of being a protagonist

**[13:01] rubber chicken:** ooh i wonder who the protag would be if fukurodani was a sitcom!!

**[13:02] valentino white bag:** isnt it obvious? 

**[13:02] rubber chicken:** wh

**[13:02] oya oya:** itd be  _ you _ , dumbass

**[13:03] valentino white bag:** id obviously be the star of a seijou sitcom, with my lovable best friend iwachan and recurring side characters makki and mattsun

**[13:03] oya oya:** damn u rlly got this planned out

**[13:04] valentino white bag:** i am prepared for every situation

**[13:04] oya oya:** are u prepared for a scenario in which iwaizumi likes u back

**_valentino white bag_ ** _ has left the chat  _ **_so hear me out_ **

**_oya oya_ ** _ has added  _ **_valentino white bag_ ** _ to the chat  _ **_so hear me out_ **

**[13:05] oya oya:** its been a while since u tried to leave

**[13:05] valentino white bag:** i hate u

**[13:06] oya oya:** i think we need a new gc name this one is getting stale

**_kitsune_ ** _ has changed the chat name to  _ **_do it for the gays_ **

**[13:06] oya oya:** FDSHKFSDHKFSDHKSDF

**[13:06] rubber chicken:** SDFADSHKSFDHKS

**[13:07] valentino white bag:** FDHFSDKFSDHKSFD

**[13:07] kitsune:** do you like it? 

**[13:07] oya oya:** forget kenma i might b in love with kita

**[13:08] kitsune:** i’m afraid i am in a happy relationship and must decline your advances.

**[13:08] valentino white bag:** i am CRYING

**[13:08] oya oya:** the sting of rejection,,,so cold and unforgiving

**[13:09] kitsune:** my sincerest apologies.

**[13:09] rubber chicken:** i cant tell if kita is just being a little shit or if they really think kuroo is serious and at this point im afraid to ask— 

**[13:09] valentino white bag:** im almost positive they are being a little shit

**[13:09] valentino white bag:** otherwise theyre oblivious on ushijima levels

**[13:10] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** I noticed someone mention my name. Did you need me for something?

**[13:10] valentino white bag:** ew tf

**[13:10] valentino white bag:** never

**[13:11] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** Oikawa has a way of making me feel so welcomed here.

**[13:11] rubber chicken:** FSHFSDHKFSDHKFS

**[13:12] oya oya:** SFDHFSADHSF GET THEIR ASS

**[13:12] valentino white bag:** i hate it here

  
**[13:13] oya oya:** we know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what up losers
> 
> yes kita is nonbinary. yes i am turning all the hq characters gay n trans. no u cannot stop me <3
> 
> uhh idk what else to say i didnt get this far?? be gay do crime i guess


	5. [22:31] kitsune: dadchi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> name help:
> 
> kuroo tetsurou > oya oya  
> bokuto koutarou > rubber chicken  
> oikawa tooru > valentino white bag  
> sawamura daichi > dont say it  
> ushijima wakatoshi > Ushijima Wakatoshi  
> kita shinsuke > kitsune  
> iwaizumi hajime > sonic the hedgehog

**do it for the gays**

**[21:09] oya oya:** oikawa i have a question for u

  
  


**[21:22] oya oya:** pspspspspsp oikawa where u at

**[21:22] valentino white bag:** sorry seijou gc was in the middle of an important discussion

**[21:23] oya oya:** wow are we not ur fav gc?? im #shocked and #offended

**[21:23] valentino white bag:** lmao no i dont even like all the ppl in this gc

**[21:23] rubber chicken:** whaaaaa who dont u like??

**[21:23] valentino white bag:** i would pay real money to watch ushiwaka and kuroo get run over by a bus

**[21:24] valentino white bag:** bokuto and daichi can stay bc theyre okay 

**[21:24] valentino white bag:** and i barely know kita it would be rude of me to wish ill will upon them

**[21:24] kitsune:** how kind of you.

**[21:25] valentino white bag:** i know <3

**[21:25] rubber chicken:** aw hell yeah oikawa likes me B)

**[21:26] oya oya:** clutches fist

**[21:26] oya oya:** betrayed by the ones i love most 

**[21:27] dont say it:** walk it off

**[21:27] rubber chicken:** FDHKFSHKSF

**[21:27] valentino white bag:** FDSHKSDFKSD

**[21:28] oya oya:** in my own HOME 

**_oya oya_ ** _has left the chat_ **_do it for the gays_ **

**_valentino white bag_ ** _has added_ **_oya oya_ ** _to the chat_ **_do it for the gays_ **

**[21:29] rubber chicken:** oh how the worm tables………

**[21:29] valentino white bag:** hows it feel

**[21:29] oya oya:** let me out i refuse to be slandered like this

**[21:30] valentino white bag:** no <3

**[21:30] oya oya:** bitch

**[21:30] valentino white bag:** i know u are but what am i 

**[21:31] oya oya:** what are u five

**[21:31] valentino white bag:** on a scale from one to ten im a twelve but good guess <3

**[21:32] kitsune:** is nobody going to comment on bokuto saying ‘oh how the worm tables’?

**[21:32] kitsune:** because i have several questions.

**[21:33] rubber chicken:** FDSHKFSD

**[21:33] rubber chicken:** akaashi sent me a meme the other day talking abt how worms turn or smth

**[21:33] rubber chicken:** idk why i started saying it but i know that akaashi is directly responsible for starting this trend

**[21:34] dont say it:** u better not ever say that around hinata because he _will_ pick it up and i _will_ hit you with a truck

**[21:35] rubber chicken:** no comment

**[21:35] dont say it:** (:

**[21:35] rubber chicken:** um

**[21:35] rubber chicken:** should i be afraid?

**[21:36] valentino white bag:** i texted suga and he says yes

**[21:36] oya oya:** i texted kenma who texted hinata who texted the karasuno gc and apparently tanaka says u should say your prayers, nishinoya says u should begin drafting ur last will and testament, and asahi promised to say something nice at your funeral in the ace gc

**[21:37] oya oya:** hold up yall have an ace gc??

**[21:38] valentino white bag:** we have a pretty setter squad gc 

**[21:38] oya oya:** damn it rlly does suck to be a middle blocker i guess

**[21:39] kitsune:** theoretically, nothing is stopping you from creating a middle blocker groupchat. 

**[21:39] rubber chicken:** i have to mourn the death of my bro first

**[21:40] valentino white bag:** this just in: suga says daichi just left practice with a strangely peaceful look on his face 

**[21:41] oya oya:** asahi says that daichi doesnt own a truck but that they dont think that will stop him

**[21:42] oya oya:** hinata says he’ll miss you

**[21:43] rubber chicken:** chuckles im in danger

**[21:43] rubber chicken:** someone tell akaashi posthumously that i love him

**[21:44] valentino white bag:** do it urself coward

**[21:44] oya oya:** the man is _dying_ oikawa

**[21:45] kitsune:** he’s fine. 

**[21:45] oya oya:** shdhfnsbfh

**[21:46] oya oya:** bo im sorry but i think im the only one here who understands the gravity of the situation

**[21:46] oya oya:** i walk a lonely road

**[21:47] oya oya:** the only road that i have ever known

**[21:47] valentino white bag:** do u have an off switch

**[21:48] oya oya:** wanna find out (;

**[21:49] valentino white bag:** im uncomfortable

**[21:49] dont say it:** kuroo dont harass oikawa

**[21:49] oya oya:** i wasnt harassing them it was some harmless flirting

**[21:50] valentino white bag:** this just in: i was harassed? more on this shocking story at 10

**[21:50] kitsune:** does it count as shocking if kuroo seems exactly like the type of person to behave like this?

**[21:50] valentino white bag:** SHFJSHFHSIF IM

**[21:51] oya oya:** ok now ur just being mean

**[21:51] rubber chicken:** hey hey hey!! since kita just killed u we can have a joint funeral :D

**[21:52] oya oya:** et tu, bokuto?

**[21:52] kitsune:** i was merely stating my personal opinion.

**[21:53] valentino white bag:** correction: u were stating facts

**[21:54] oya oya:** cannot believe i am being slandered in my own groupchat

**[21:54] oya oya:** i regret making this

**[21:55] valentino white bag:** feel free to delete it

  
  
  
  


**[22:13] oya oya:** ok real talk has anyone heard from bo or daichi lately

**[22:13] oya oya:** we were dming like five mins ago but its gone quiet and im afraid hes dead

**[22:14] rubber chicken:** SHDHSNDHSHD SORRY BRO

**[22:14] rubber chicken:** I WAS THINKIN ABT SMTH

**[22:15] dont say it:** did it hurt 

**[22:15] rubber chicken:** first of all RUDE

**[22:15] rubber chicken:** SECOND OF ALL I REALIZED THAT I HAVE BEEN MISSING OUT™ 

**[22:16] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** On what?

**[22:16] oya oya:** every time i see ushijima type in proper grammar i lose ten years off my life

**[22:16] valentino white bag:** every time i see ushiwaka i lose ten years off my life 

**[22:17] rubber chicken:** HHHHHHHHHHHNGG GUYS BIGGER PICTURE

**[22:17] rubber chicken:** I AM AN ACE RIGHT 

**[22:18] oya oya:** dont tell me u forgot again

**[22:18] dont say it:** again?

**[22:18] rubber chicken:** IM AN ACE

**[22:19] rubber chicken:** AND IM ALSO ACE

**[22:19] rubber chicken:** THINK OF THE _PUNS_

**[22:20] valentino white bag:** oh god

**[22:20] dont say it:** damn whatre the odds im p sure asahi is also ace

**[22:21] oya oya:** i mean technically hes not our ace _yet_ but lev is ace too

**[22:21] oya oya:** maybe its an ace thing?

**[22:22] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** I don’t know what this means. 

**[22:22] dont say it:** ill explain later

**[22:23] oya oya:** **_@valentino white bag_ ** can u confirm this theory 

**[22:23] valentino white bag:** oi dont look at me idk what kinda freaky shit iwa-chans into

**[22:24] kitsune:** (or lack thereof)

**[22:24] valentino white bag:** i mean im fairly certain he isnt

**[22:24] valentino white bag:** but im ace and im a star does that count 

**[22:25] oya oya:** squints

**[22:25] oya oya:** ill allow it

**[22:26] oya oya:** what abt u kita

**[22:26] valentino white bag:** wait who even is the inarizaki ace

**[22:27] kitsune:** aran is not ace. as far as i know, i am the only ace person on my team. 

**[22:27] oya oya:**...maybe its an nby captains thing??

**[22:28] rubber chicken:** well that cant work bro bc ur not ace

**[22:28] dont say it:** i think u two are just looking for connections where there aren’t any

**[22:29] oya oya:** google search why doesnt daichi ever let us have any fun

**[22:29] valentino white bag:** the stress of being a father is finally getting to him

**[22:29] dont say it:** im not a father 

**[22:30] dont say it:** why does everybody keep saying that

**[22:30] valentino white bag:** have u ever heard urself talk

**[22:30] valentino white bag:** no i mean like genuinely have u ever listened to urself when u speak

**[22:31] oya oya:** lmao theyre not wrong sorry daichi

**[22:31] kitsune:** dadchi.

**[22:31] oya oya:** SFDHSDFHSF DADCHI

**[22:32] rubber chicken:** FDSHKFDSHKDS

**[22:33] dont say it:** i hate it here

**[22:33] valentino white bag:** excuse u thats my line

**[22:33] valentino white bag:** get ur own

**[22:34] rubber chicken:** bro u cant just claim sentiments of displeasure

**[22:34] valentino white bag:** first of all dont call me bro

**[22:34] valentino white bag:** second of all

**[22:35] valentino white bag:** i have a permit

**[22:35] kitsune:** they dmed it to me and it’s just a piece of paper that says “i do what i want.”

**[22:36] valentino white bag:** (:

**[22:36] oya oya:** does oikawa dm everyone but me

**[22:37] rubber chicken:** i mean they probably dont dm ushijima

**[22:37] valentino white bag:** ur right the day ushiwaka tries to dm me is the day i chuck my phone into a river

**[22:38] oya oya:**

**[22:38] valentino white bag:** dont

**[22:38] oya oya:**

**[22:39] valentino white bag:** bitch im warning u

**[22:39] oya oya:** >:3

**[22:39] valentino white bag:** oh my god

**[22:39] oya oya:** **_@Ushijima Wakatoshi_ **

**_valentino white bag_ ** _has left the chat_ **_do it for the gays_ **

**[22:40] oya oya:** shfshfsdsfd they blocked me i cant add them back

**[22:40] dont say it:** u brought this on urself

  
  
  


**[09:14] oya oya:** real talk has anybody heard from oikawa recently

**_dont say it_ ** _has added_ **_sonic the hedgehog_ ** _to the chat_ **_do it for the gays_ **

**[09:15] sonic the hedgehog:** shittykawa threw their phone into a lake the other day dont expect to hear from them for a while

**_sonic the hedgehog_ ** _has left the chat_ **_do it for the gays_ **

**[09:16] oya oya:** im

**[09:16] oya oya:** i dont know how to respond to this 

**[09:17] kitsune:** they did warn us.

**[09:17] kitsune:** > **_[22:37] valentino white bag:_ ** _ur right the day ushiwaka tries to dm me is the day i chuck my phone into a river_

**[09:18] oya oya:** **_@Ushijima Wakatoshi_ ** got anything to tell us

**[09:19] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** I was only giving them some advice as to their volleyball career. I don’t know why they reacted so poorly.

**[09:20] dont say it:** this groupchat makes me tired 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi its ur local nby ace claiming literally all the hq characters for the nbys and the aces. my city now
> 
> feel free to drop some comments abt ur lgbtq+ headcanons for the characters ✨✨ not limited to those in this fic bc more characters will come in later and im still brainstorming their sexualities/genders 
> 
> yes iwachans name is sonic the hedgehog. no i will not explain 
> 
> be gay do crime have a good day ✌️😎✌️


	6. [14:39] big ass mirror: i got big ass eyebrows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> name help:
> 
> kuroo tetsurou > oya oya  
> bokuto koutarou > rubber chicken  
> oikawa tooru > valentino white bag  
> sawamura daichi > dont say it  
> ushijima wakatoshi > Ushijima Wakatoshi  
> kita shinsuke > kitsune  
> iwaizumi hajime > sonic the hedgehog  
> miya atsumu > big ass mirror

**do it for the gays**

**_dont say it_ ** _ has added  _ **_valentino white bag_ ** _ to the chat  _ **_do it for the gays_ **

**[12:13] rubber chicken:** GUYS

**[12:13] rubber chicken:** I THINK AKAASHI IS ALLERGIC TO ME D:

**[12:14] valentino white bag:** what the fuck

**[12:15] oya oya:** no let him speak

**[12:15] rubber chicken:** theyre avoiding me all the sudden!! i dont think i did anything wrong bc they usually tell me when im being stupid ): 

**[12:15] rubber chicken:** and whenever i talk to them at practice they get all red!! am i causing them to breakout in hives??????????????? )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))):

**[12:15] rubber chicken:** im love akaashi ill be so sad if theyre allergic to me

**[12:16] valentino white bag:** how fucking stupid are you

**[12:16] dont say it:** cant you be a little nicer about it

**[12:16] dont say it:** bokuto i think you need to ask akaashi about this

**[12:17] dont say it:** i can promise theyre not suddenly allergic to you

**[12:18] rubber chicken:** hhhnngg okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ill ask them to hang out this weekend since we dont have practice for once

**[12:18] valentino white bag:** i believe in u

**[12:18] rubber chicken:** for what

**[12:19] oya oya:** we think u should confess to akaashi

**[12:19] oya oya:** watching this is getting kind of sad

**[12:20] kitsune:** aren’t you and oikawa childhood friends with your crushes and have been pining for years?

**[12:20] valentino white bag:** WOW

**[12:20] oya oya:** IN MY OWN  _ HOME _

**[12:21] dont say it:** its what u deserve

**[12:21] kitsune:** :p

**[12:22] valentino white bag:** i cant even be mad now that theyve used an emoji

**[12:23] oya oya:** i can

**[12:23] oya oya:** fuck u

**[12:23] kitsune:** i’m hurt.

**[12:24] valentino white bag:** now see look at what u did kuroo

**[12:24] valentino white bag:** bastard

**[12:25] oya oya:** im so sorry

**[12:25] kitsune:** friendship ended with kuroo, now oikawa is my best friend.

**[12:26] valentino white bag:** offended that i wasnt already 

**[12:26] kitsune:** you were, but i’m trying to meme here.

**[12:27] valentino white bag:** daichi if u join in on the memes ill let u be my best friend too

**[12:27] oya oya:** daichi wouldnt betray me like that

**[12:27] dont say it:**

**[12:28] oya oya:** no

**[12:28] dont say it:**

**[12:28] oya oya:** dont do it

**[12:29] dont say it:** kuroo: says smth mean to kita 

**[12:29] dont say it:** me: blocked, reported, unfriended, uninvited to my seventh birthday party

**[12:30] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** A bitter betrayal.

**[12:30] oya oya:** im deleting this groupchat

**[12:30] oya oya:** nobody fucking loves me

**[12:31] rubber chicken:** BRO

**[12:31] rubber chicken:** I LOVE U

**[12:31] oya oya:** and yet u were absent in my time of need

**[12:32] rubber chicken:** i was messaging akaashi )):

**[12:32] valentino white bag:** cant believe u picked ur lover over ur bro

**[12:33] kitsune:** this is really quite a tragedy.

**[12:33] oya oya:** nobody fucking loves me

**[12:34] valentino white bag:** correct

  
  
  


**[14:13] oya oya:** i hate that thats what we left the conversation on

**[14:14] valentino white bag:** die mad about it <3

**_kitsune_ ** _ has attached (1) image file. _

**[14:15] kitsune:** i need you all to see what atsumu gifted me this morning before practice.

**[14:15] dont say it:** is that a baby doll??

**[14:15] oya oya:** that is the ugliest thing ive ever seen in my life

**[14:16] rubber chicken:** aw what i think its cute

**[14:16] kitsune:** no, it’s hideous. judging by the grin on their face when they gave it to me, atsumu knows just how awful it is.

**[14:17] valentino white bag:** kita i have a message for atsumu will u pass it on?

**[14:17] kitsune:** sure.

**[14:18] valentino white bag:** great! tell atsumu i said “we’ve never met and i hope it stays that way <3”

**[14:18] valentino white bag:** make sure u get the heart emoji in there

**[14:19] oya oya:** do u even know atsumu

**[14:19] valentino white bag:** what part of “we’ve never met” wasnt clear to u

**[14:20] rubber chicken:** sshfds get their ass oikawa

**[14:21] dont say it:** i feel like every time i come online oikawa is insulting someone

**[14:21] oya oya:** thats bc insulting ppl is oikawas only personality trait

**[14:22] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** I can confirm. 

**[14:22] valentino white bag:** damn that “leave server” button looks so good rn

**[14:23] oya oya:** hoe dont do it

**[14:23] valentino white bag:**

**[14:23] oya oya:** dont 

**[14:23] valentino white bag:** >:3

**[14:24] oya oya:** oh my god

**_valentino white bag_ ** _ has left the chat  _ **_do it for the gays_ **

**_oya oya_ ** _ has added  _ **_valentino white bag_ ** _ to the chat  _ **_do it for the gays_ **

**[14:25] oya oya:** i hate u

**[14:25] valentino white bag:** i know <3

**[14:26] rubber chicken:** WAIT KITA

**[14:26] rubber chicken:** KITA KITA KITA KITA KITA KITA KITA KITA KITA KITA KITA KITA KITA KITA KITA KITA KITA KITA KITA KITA KITA

**[14:26] rubber chicken:** KITA

**[14:26] rubber chicken:** KITA

**[14:26] rubber chicken:** KITA

**[14:26] rubber chicken:** KITA

**[14:26] rubber chicken:** KITA

**[14:26] rubber chicken:** KITA

**[14:26] rubber chicken:** KITA

**[14:26] rubber chicken:** KITA

**[14:26] rubber chicken:** KITA

**[14:26] rubber chicken:** KITA

**[14:26] rubber chicken:** KITA

**[14:27] kitsune:** yes?

**[14:27] rubber chicken:** what are u gonna name ur baby !!

**[14:27] kitsune:** i haven’t thought about it yet. do you have any suggestions?

**[14:28] oya oya:** lmao shouldnt u ask ur bf since u guys are gonna b parents now

**[14:29] kitsune:** i asked osamu what we should name the baby and he just started chugging his water bottle

**[14:29] kitsune:** suna told me that’s his ‘i wish this was vodka’ chug.

**[14:29] oya oya:** LMAO

**[14:30] kitsune:** update: as soon as he finished his water bottle, he turned to me and said “i’m not ready to be a father” and then he got up and walked out of the gym.

**[14:30] rubber chicken:** SFDHAFSHFSDHSAFSDH

**[14:31] valentino white bag:** > **_kitsune:_ ** _ > so obviously i was like okay im not a coward. i will confess to kita and then immediately quit the team. _

**[14:31] valentino white bag:** same motherfucker

**[14:32] oya oya:** osamu is my role model

**[14:32] dont say it:** this groupchat makes me tired

**[14:33] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** I can’t help but wonder where Atsumu is in all of this.

**[14:33] kitsune:** they’re on the floor, laughing their ass off. the coach saw me bring my baby into practice and gave me a very strange look and atsumu hasn’t stopped laughing since.

**[14:34] oya oya:** i have a new role model

**[14:35] dont say it:** to be honest i just rlly want to know what possessed atsumu to get u this

**[14:36] kitsune:** i’ll ask. 

**[14:36] oya oya:** honestly just put atsumu in here and let them explain it for themself

**[14:37] kitsune:** if you’re sure. 

**_kitsune_ ** _ has added  _ **_big ass mirror_ ** _ to the chat  _ **_do it for the gays_ **

**[14:38] big ass mirror:** whas goin on

**[14:38] valentino white bag:** ...why

**[14:39] big ass mirror:** i got big ass eyebrows

**[14:39] oya oya:** lmao

**[14:30] big ass mirror:** ok but kita

**[14:30] big ass mirror:** darling

**[14:30] big ass mirror:** love of my life 

**[14:30] big ass mirror:** apple of my eye 

**[14:30] big ass mirror:** sun to my moon

**[14:31] kitsune:** get on with it.

**[14:31] big ass mirror:** lmao why am i here

**[14:32] rubber chicken:** explain urself!!

**[14:32] big ass mirror:** ?

**[14:32] kitsune:** they want to know about the baby, atsumu. 

**[14:33] big ass mirror:** OH THAT

**[14:34] big ass mirror:** ok well obviously osamu and kita are dating right?

**[14:34] dont say it:** yes continue

**[14:35] big ass mirror:** so im walking along one day, as one does, and im walking past this secondhand shop and THERE IN THE WINDOW

**[14:35] big ass mirror:** is the UGLIEST BABY IVE EVER SEEN

**[14:35] big ass mirror:** and i thought to myself, say, atsumu, wouldnt that be the perfect gift for an s/o?

**[14:36] big ass mirror:** but i, tragically, do not have an s/o, so i had to move along

**[14:36] big ass mirror:** AND THEN I REMEMBERED

**[14:36] valentino white bag:** this is gonna go on for a while isnt it

**[14:37] big ass mirror:** shut the fuck up <3

**[14:37] big ass mirror:** anyway so then i remembered that osamu!! has a datemate!!

**[14:37] kitsune:** that’s me (:

**[14:38] oya oya:** we know

**[14:38] valentino white bag:** thanks for rubbing it in

**[14:39] big ass mirror:** do yall want the story or not smh

**[14:39] big ass mirror:** anyway so tldr i bought the doll and i brought it home and i showed it to osamu like look what i bought :D !!

**[14:40] big ass mirror:** and he just gave me one of those looks

**[14:40] big ass mirror:** that only twin brothers, and fellow overworked underpaid clowns, can make

**[14:41] big ass mirror:** and then he turned and he stared down at his coffee mug for probably several minutes 

**[14:41] big ass mirror:** and then he asked, very calmly, “do i want to know?”

**[14:42] big ass mirror:** SO I SAID

**[14:42] big ass mirror:** i got u this to give to kita!!

**[14:42] big ass mirror:** and then he slapped me

**[14:43] big ass mirror:** and walked out of the room

**[14:43] big ass mirror:** SO THEN I DECIDED THAT  _ I  _ WOULD HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO GIFT THIS UGLY BABY TO KITA

**[14:43] big ass mirror:** bc clearly they cant live without it, or else their life would be incomplete

**[14:44] kitsune:** clearly.

**[14:45] oya oya:** well that was wild

**[14:45] rubber chicken:** any name ideas yet???

**[14:46] kitsune:** no. i think i will have to ask osamu again when he’s in a better mood.

**[14:46] big ass mirror:** u cant ask ppl things when they’re dead kita

**[14:47] dont say it:** im going to bed

**[14:47] valentino white bag:** its like three in the afternoon

**[14:47] dont say it:** im going to bed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> atsumu makes an entrance ~
> 
> we will probs see akaashi next chap !! stay tuned B)
> 
> also also shameless self promo i just made an instagram for my art!! check it out @fcb.art :>


	7. [15:34] valentino white bag: petition to kick bokuto from the groupchat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> name help: 
> 
> name help:
> 
> kuroo tetsurou > oya oya  
> bokuto koutarou > rubber chicken  
> oikawa tooru > valentino white bag  
> sawamura daichi > dont say it  
> ushijima wakatoshi > Ushijima Wakatoshi  
> kita shinsuke > kitsune  
> iwaizumi hajime > sonic the hedgehog  
> miya atsumu > big ass mirror

**do it for the gays**

**[15:16] rubber chicken:** GUSYSFHSJFBSHDHSHFBDHSHD

**[15:16] rubber chicken:** also

**_rubber chicken_ ** _ has removed  _ **_big ass mirror_ ** _ from the chat  _ **_do it for the gays_ **

**[15:16] rubber chicken:** captains only

**[15:16] rubber chicken:** GUYS

**[15:17] oya oya:** what

**[15:17] rubber chicken:** IMSHDHAJFHS

**[15:17] rubber chicken:** SO U KNOW HOW I WAS GONNA HANG IUT W AKAASHI TODAY

**[15:18] kitsune:** i don’t foresee this story ending well. 

**[15:18] rubber chicken:** rude

**[15:19] valentino white bag:** why are u booing them? theyre right

**[15:19] dont say it:** just tell us what happened bokuto

**[15:20] rubber chicken:** AT LEAST SOMEONE APPRECIATES ME

**[15:20] oya oya:** im literally right here

**[15:20] rubber chicken:** SO AKAASHI AND I AGREED TO MET UP AT A LIL CAFE RIGHT??

**[15:21] oya oya:** wow

**[15:21] valentino white bag:** lmao get fucked

**[15:21] rubber chicken:** NAD IM EARLY FOR ONCE BC I LOVE AKAASHI I WANNA LEAVE A GOOD IMPRESSION EVEN THO THEY ALREADY KNOW IM A FUCKIN D UMBASS

**[15:21] rubber chicken:** AND IM MENTALLY GOING OVER WAYS TO CONFESS RIGHT AND IM TRYING TO DECIDE WHICH ONES TOO CHEESY AND WHICH ONES NOT GOOD GOOD AND WHICH ONES TOO EMBARASSING

**[15:22] rubber chicken:** BC ITS GOTTA B E JUST RIGHT YKNOW???????????????????

**[15:22] kitsune:** i’m on the edge of my seat.

**[15:22] rubber chicken:** i dont appreciate u

**[15:22] rubber chicken:** SO ANYWAY THATS MY MINDSET AS AKAASHI STARTS APPROACHING AND I SEE THEM AND THEY LOOKED SO GOOD N SO PRETTY THAT I JUST DIED ON THE SPOT

**[15:23] oya oya:** lmaooooo sucks

**[15:23] rubber chicken:** JUST WAIT ITLL GET WORSE

**[15:23] rubber chicken:** FOR SOME REASON,, WHILE MY BRAIN WAS OFFLINE MY MOUTH MADE AN EXECUTIVE DECISION AND INSTEAD OF YELLING OUT A NORMAL GREEITN GLIKE A NORMAL PERSON WHO DOESNT WANT TO EMBARASS HIMSELF AND HIS FRIEND

**[15:24] rubber chicken:** I  _ YELLED DOWN THE STREET _

**[15:24] rubber chicken:** AKAASHI U LOOK 10/10 BUT STILL WOULD NOT BANG

**[15:25] oya oya:** FSDHSFDHSFDHSDF

**[15:25] valentino white bag:** i am CRYINGSD

**[15:25] kitsune:** dear god.

**[15:25] dont say it:** i dont even know how to respond to that

**[15:26] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** What did Akaashi do?

**[15:26] rubber chicken:** THEY TURNED AROUND AND LEFT

**[15:26] rubber chicken:** JUST WALKED ENTIRELY AWAY FROM ME

**[15:27] oya oya:** LMAO

**[15:27] valentino white bag:** its what u deserve

**[15:28] rubber chicken:** i hate it here

**[15:28] dont say it:** did u at least apologize to akaashi for being a fucking embarassment?

**[15:28] rubber chicken:** daichi isnt a very nice father :<

**[15:29] rubber chicken:** and yes i did,,

**[15:29] rubber chicken:** i had to call them bc they kept leaving me on read D:

**[15:30] kitsune:** so?

**[15:30] rubber chicken:** so what

**[15:31] oya oya:** dumbass

**[15:31] oya oya:** are u two dating or what?

**[15:32] valentino white bag:** i am hopelessly in love w iwa-chan but i think if he confessed to me like that i would drop kick him into the nearest lake

**[15:33] kitsune:** even osamu’s confession wasn’t that bad, and he went unresponsive as soon as i spoke.

**[15:33] rubber chicken:** wow i get it ok im an embarrassment

**[15:33] rubber chicken:** BUT IM AN EMBARASSMENT WITH A DATEMATE WHICH IS MORE THAN CAN BE SAID FOR MOST OF U SO GET FUCKED 

**[15:34] oya oya:** okay rude

**[15:34] valentino white bag:** petition to kick bokuto from the groupchat

**[15:34] oya oya:** signed

**[15:34] dont say it:** signed

**[15:34] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** Signed.

**[15:34] kitsune:** signed.

**[15:35] rubber chicken:** wh

**[15:35] rubber chicken:** KITA WHY ARE U KICKING ME U HAVE A BF I WASNT EVEN DIRECTLY ATTACKING YOU

**[15:36] kitsune:** entertainment value, mostly.

**[15:37] rubber chicken:** ;-;

**[15:37] rubber chicken:** nobody loves me

**[15:37] rubber chicken:** OWSDFHFDSH AKAASHI READ OVER MY SHOULDER AND SMACKED ME UPSIDE THE HEAD FOR SAYING NOBODY LOVES ME WHEN THEYRE SITTING RIGHTNEXT TO ME

**[15:38] valentino white bag:** good

**[15:38] valentino white bag:** its what u deserve

**[15:39] rubber chicken:** D:

**[15:39] rubber chicken:** why are u all so mean to me

**[15:40] kitsune:** > **_kitsune:_ ** _ entertainment value, mostly, _

**[15:40] kitsune:** i say again. 

**_rubber chicken_ ** _ has left the chat  _ **_do it for the gays_ **

**[15:$1] oya oya:** nobody add him back

**[15:41] oya oya:** i wanna see how long it takes for him to call me in tears about how mean we are and how he doesnt want to miss out on anything

**[15:42] dont say it:** ur such a good friend

**[15:42] oya oya:** i know <3

  
  
  


**[18:09] valentino white bag:** ,,

**[18:09] dont say it:** ?

**[18:09] valentino white bag:** ,,,

**[18:10] oya oya:** u good?

**[18:10] valentino white bag:** ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

**[18:10] valentino white bag:** _ iwa-chan and his girlfriend broke up _

**[18:10] oya oya:** oh?

**[18:10] oya oya:** ohoho?

**[18:11] dont say it:** hye thats good! doesnt that mean u have a chance now??

**[18:11] valentino white bag:** yes but also no

**[18:11] valentino white bag:** like yes,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i have a chance now that hes not Attached

**[18:12] valentino white bag:** but also if i ever confessed to him i would die xoxo

**[18:13] oya oya:** what why

**[18:13] valentino white bag:** bc i would die

**[18:13] valentino white bag:** dont try to fight me on this mx. ive also been in love for six years and im not going to do anything abt it bc im too cowardly to see if my romantic interest is interested in romance

**[18:14] oya oya:**

**[18:14] kitsune:** that was cold.

**[18:14] valentino white bag:** thanks <3 that was the goal <33

**[18:15] dont say it:** why is this chat just kuroo and oikawa being mean to people and each other, gradually getting more intense

**[18:15] kitsune:** that’s just their personalities. 

**[18:16] oya oya:** WOW

**[18:16] valentino white bag:** daichi calls us out but pointedly ignores how he and kita have been roasting us since day one. i see ur double tandars daichi and i will not Stand for them

**[18:17] kitsune:** then sit.

**_valentino white bag_ ** _ has left the chat  _ **_do it for the gays_ **

**_oya oya_ ** _ has added  _ **_valentino white bag_ ** _ to the chat  _ **_do it for the gays_ **

**[18:18] oya oya:** are u ever gonna stop doing that

**[18:19] valentino white bag:** probably not <3

  
**[18:19] oya oya:** sigh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao idk if this chap is even funny but Here It Is anyway
> 
> also!! ive recently made an askblog for the hq captains (basically everyone in this gc lmao) so pls check it out [@ask-capsquad](https://ask-capsquad.tumblr.com/) on tumblr :>
> 
> be gay do crime see u next chap!!


	8. [13:07] kitsune: i’m sorry ushijima had to go and end your life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> name help:
> 
> kuroo tetsurou > oya oya  
> bokuto koutarou > rubber chicken  
> oikawa tooru > valentino white bag  
> sawamura daichi > dont say it  
> ushijima wakatoshi > Ushijima Wakatoshi  
> kita shinsuke > kitsune  
> iwaizumi hajime > sonic the hedgehog  
> miya atsumu > big ass mirror

**do it for the gays**

**[12:35] oya oya:** ok so

**[12:35] oya oya:** bokutos hair

**[12:36] oya oya:** we’re all familiar with it, yes?

**[12:37] kitsune:** no.

**[12:37] oya oya:** **_@rubber chicken_ ** send a selfie so i can continue

**_rubber chicken_ ** _ has attached one (1) image file _

**[12:37] oya oya:** so bokutos hair is kinda funky yes?

**[12:38] dont say it:** where are you going with this

**[12:38] oya oya:** thank u for asking

**[12:38] oya oya:** now, when u look at bokuto, u would probably think he decided to bleach his hair and frost his tips 

**[12:38] oya oya:** like a fucking dumbass

**[12:39] rubber chicken:** hey :<

**[12:39] oya oya:** i meant it in the best way bro

**[12:39] oya oya:** anyway i would like u all to direct ur attention to the fact that bokutos roots are black

**[12:40] valentino white bag:** get on w it

**[12:40] oya oya:** rude

**[12:40] oya oya:** so we are in agreement that eyebrows are generally the same shade or a shade darker than natural hair color yes?

**[12:41] dont say it:** sure

**[12:41] oya oya:** excellent

**[12:41] oya oya:** so if bokutos natural hair color was balck then hed have black eyebrows too right??

**[12:42] oya oya:** BUT

**[12:42] oya oya:** BOKUTOS EYEBROWS ARE  _ GREY _

**[12:43] oya oya:** WHICH MEANS HIS NATURAL HAIR COLOR MUST BE WHITE RIGHT??

**[12:43] valentino white bag:** okay but bokuto definitely strikes me as the type of crazy mf who would dye his eyebrows

**[12:43] rubber chicken:** thank u

**[12:43] oya oya:** FIRST OF ALL,,

**[12:44] oya oya:** shut the fuck up

**[12:44] valentino white bag:** no <3

**[12:45] oya oya:** SECOND OF ALL,,

**[12:45] oya oya:** i have acquired a photo of young bokuto after years of searching 

**[12:45] dont say it:** really?  _ years _ ?

**[12:46] oya oya:** why must u all ruin my fun. i am clearly trying to be dramatic here

**[12:46] oya oya:** anyway

**_oya oya_ ** _ has attached one (1) image file _

**[12:47] oya oya:** this photo of bokuto, if u look underneath his hat, u can spot white hair and black roots therefre proving that bokutos hair is 100% natural

**[12:47] oya oya:** thanks for coming to my ted talk

**[12:48] valentino white bag:** why was this necessary

**[12:49] dont say it:** well thats 14 mins of my life ill never get back

**[12:49] oya oya:** rude :<

**[12:49] kitsune:** not that your presentation wasn’t great but,

**[12:49] valentino white bag:** (it wasnt)

**[12:50] kitsune:** couldn’t you have just asked?

**[12:50] oya oya:**

**_oya oya_ ** _ has left the chat  _ **_do it for the gays_ **

**[12:50] valentino white bag:** FSHSDFHFSDHFSD

**[12:51] dont say it:** lmaooo

**[12:51] rubber chicken:** i dont get it 

**[12:51] rubber chicken:** i wasnt keeping it a secret front hem? they couldve just asked me?

**[12:51] dont say it:** dont worry abt it bokuto

**[12:52] valentino white bag:** kuroos just a fucking dumbass

**[12:53] kitsune:** aren’t we all?

**[12:54] valentino white bag:** fsdhfasdhfanfsdahfds

**_dont say it_ ** _ has added  _ **_oya oya_ ** _ to the chat  _ **_do it for the gays_ **

**[12:55] dont say it:** they spammed me until i agreed

**[12:56] valentino white bag:** weak

**[12:57] oya oya:** fuck u

**[12:57] valentino white bag:** no thanks

**[12:57] oya oya:**

**[12:58] dont say it:** i still want to know why kuroo didnt think to  _ ask  _ bokuto about his hair

**[12:58] oya oya:** idk we had already been friends for months by the time i started wondering and i figured itd be too awkward at that point to ask

**[12:59] kitsune:** osamu and i have been dating several months, ive known him for two years, and he  _ just  _ asked me last week if my hair is natural. 

**[12:59] valentino white bag:** ,,

**[12:59] oya oya:** ,,,

**[12:59] dont say it:** ,,,,

**[13:00] oya oya:** every day i relate to osamu more and more

**[13:00] rubber chicken:** wait omg we should add osamu in here!!

**[13:01] kitsune:** are you sure?

**[13:02] valentino white bag:** no i refuse to see osamu and kita being all lovey-dovey while i am tragically single and lonely

**[13:02] kitsune:** you might not be single if you took a chance and confessed your feelings to your crush.

**[13:02] valentino white bag:** blocked reported unfriended uninvited to my seventh birthday party

**[13:03] kitsune:** oh, okay.

**[13:03] dont say it:** how about this: we add  _ everyones  _ s/o once we all toughen up and ask them out 

**[13:03] dont say it:** or get asked out

**[13:03] dont say it:** whichever comes first

**[13:04] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** Why don’t you want to add in our significant others, Daichi?

**[13:04] dont say it:** ?

**[13:04] dont say it:** i do?

**[13:05] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** But if we’re waiting for everyone to toughen up and ask out our crushes, we’ll never get to add them in. 

**[13:05] dont say it:** ,,why??

**[13:06] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** Oikawa could never.

**[13:06] oya oya:** FDSHFASDHSADHAFSGFDN

**[13:06] rubber chicken:** FSDFSADHGSHKFDNDKSHFD

**[13:07] dont say it:** i

**[13:07] kitsune:** it was nice knowing you, oikawa.

**[13:07] kitsune:** i’m sorry ushijima had to go and end your life.

**[13:08] valentino white bag:**

**[13:08] oya oya:** u good?

**[13:09] valentino white bag:** i hate it here

  
  
  


**[14:37] kitsune:** osamu says he’d never join a groupchat with you all because “they already know my faults, i would get made fun of endlessly.”

**[14:37] oya oya:** hes right

**[14:38] rubber chicken:** i guess its a good thing kita and i are surrounded by cowards! 

**[14:38] valentino white bag:** swords at dawn

**[14:38] dont say it:** fucking meet me outside

**[14:38] oya oya:** ill kill u dont think i wont

**[14:39] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** Why are you all boo-ing him? He’s right.

**[14:39] oya oya:**

**[14:39] oya oya:** did ushijima just meme

**[14:40] rubber chicken:** [john mulaney voice] i didnt know he knew how to do that

**[14:40] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** Tendou taught me a few.

**[14:40] oya oya:** h

**[14:41] oya oya:** he had to get someone to  _ teach him memes _ ,,

**[14:41] oya oya:** how is ushijima a real person that exists

  
  
  


**[15:14] rubber chicken:** i asked akaashi if they would ever be willing to be in this groupchat and they left me on read :<

**[15:14] oya oya:** LMAO

  
  
  


**[17:45] oya oya:** WAIT A SECOND

**[17:45] oya oya:** > **_[12:59] kitsune:_ ** _ osamu and i have been dating several months, ive known him for two years, and he just asked me last week if my hair is natural.  _

**[17:45] oya oya:** **_@kitsune_ ** WHAT DOES UR HAIR LOOK LIKE???

**_kitsune_ ** _ has attached an image file. _

**[17:46] oya oya:** r

**[17:46] oya oya:** reverse bokuto………….

**_kitsune_ ** _ has left the chat  _ **_do it for the gays_ **

**[17:47] valentino white bag:** now look at what u did

  
**[17:47] rubber chicken:** way to go paul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the topic of bokutos hair haunts me to this day i just wanted u all to know that (yes there is an image of a young bokuto out there somewhere and i looked for it to put it in the chap but i couldnt find it fat rip)
> 
> lmao who should get together next who do u think would get their shit together first
> 
> be gay do crime see u next chap


	9. [13:15] rubber chicken: MAMMA MIA WAS A GAYS ONLY EVENT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> name help:
> 
> kuroo tetsurou > oya oya  
> bokuto koutarou > rubber chicken  
> oikawa tooru > valentino white bag  
> sawamura daichi > dont say it  
> ushijima wakatoshi > Ushijima Wakatoshi  
> kita shinsuke > kitsune
> 
> iwaizumi hajime > sonic the hedgehog  
> miya atsumu > big ass mirror

**do it for the gays**

**[13:12] oya oya:** so mamma mia

**[13:12] oya oya:** wait

**_oya oya_ ** _ has added  _ **_kitsune_ ** _ to the chat  _ **_do it for the gays_ **

**[13:12] oya oya:** get back in here bitch

**[13:13] kitsune:** sigh.

**[13:13] oya oya:** so

**[13:13] oya oya:** mamma mia

**[13:14] valentino white bag:** what about it

**[13:14] oya oya:** idk i just feel like there’s a lot to unpack there

**[13:15] dont say it:** like what

**[13:15] rubber chicken:** MAMMA MIA WAS A GAYS ONLY EVENT

**[13:16] valentino white bag:** i mean obviously

**[13:17] kitsune:** hearing lily james sing “kisses of fire” was not made for the cishets.

**[13:17] dont say it:** suga regularly reminds me that bill and harry were gay coded and that not putting them together in the second film was homophobic

**[13:17] valentino white bag:** oh lmao he sends that to the setter squad gc too

**[13:17] dont say it:** is that why i heard kageyama asking hinata who bill and harry are a few days ago?

**[13:18] valentino white bag:** most likely

**[13:19] oya oya:** if u were a mamma mia song which one would u be

**[13:19] valentino white bag:** dancing queen

**[13:19] oya oya:** damn there was NO HESITATION there

**[13:20] valentino white bag:** are u telling me u  _ dont  _ just have an answer to that question prepared

**[13:20] oya oya:** no?? i thought that was a fairly random question

**[13:21] valentino white bag:** weak

**[13:21] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** I’d be “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!” 

**[13:21] oya oya:** FDSHFDASHSDFNSDFHSDFGS

**[13:22] rubber chicken:** FSDFADSNSADHSDAKGSD

**[13:23] oya oya:** i cant believe ushjima is the gayest mf of us all

**[13:24] dont say it:** i think we’re all a little bit gimme gimme gimme

**_kitsune_ ** _ has changed the chat name to  _ **_gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight_ **

**[13:24] oya oya:** DSAFDHFSD

**[13:24] valentino white bag:** its perfect

**[13:24] kitsune:** thank you.

**[13:25] oya oya:** ok chop chop everyone else keep claiming music

**[13:25] kitsune:** mm, i think i would be “thank you for the music.”

**[13:25] valentino white bag:** kita we barely know each other but that song seems very on brand for you

**[13:26] kitsune:** thank you (the remix).

**[13:27] dont say it:** suga loudly declared that i’d be does your mother know and then the entire fucking team agreed with him

**[13:27] valentino white bag:** hes right and he should say it

**[13:27] valentino white bag:** also  **_@oya oya_ ** bitch where do u get off yelling at ppl to claim songs when u havent claimed a song yet

**[13:28] oya oya:**

**[13:28] valentino white bag:** thats what i thought

**[13:29] rubber chicken:** I WOULD BE LAY ALL UR LOVE ON ME

**[13:29] rubber chicken:** A CERITIFED BOP

**[13:30] valentino white bag:** pls if u were any sophie song itd be honey honey

**[13:30] rubber chicken:** MEAN D:

**[13:30] valentino white bag:** excuse u

**[13:30] valentino white bag:** honey honey is flawless

**[13:31] rubber chicken:** but i wanna be lay all ur love on me )))))))))))))))))))))))))):

**[13:31] oya oya:** just let him have this 

**[13:32] valentino white bag:** i hate u

**[13:32] oya oya:** yeah i know

**[13:33] oya oya:** anyway last but not least

**[13:33] valentino white bag:** no ur definitely the least

**[13:34] oya oya:** ok rude

**[13:34] oya oya:** ANYWAY LAST BUT NOT LEAST

**[13:35] oya oya:** id be voulez vous

**[13:36] kitsune:** osamu says that “voulez-vous” sounds like the soundtrack from one of the bowser castle levels on mario kart wii.

**[13:37] valentino white bag:** what the fuck

**[13:37] rubber chicken:** no no let them speak

**[13:37] kitsune:** he played me “voulez-vous” and a bowser castle soundtrack and— 

**[13:37] kitsune:** he was right.

**[13:38] valentino white bag:** sfdhfasdhsdf??

**[13:38] rubber chicken:** WAIT IM GONNA LISTEN TO THEM NOW I HAVE TO SEE IF HES RIGHT

**[13:39] dont say it:** suga looked over my shoulder and read that aloud to the entire team and literally all of them nodded and agreed what the fuck

**[13:39] oya oya:** this implies ur entire team knows both a) a bowser castle soundtrack off the top of their heads and b) knows all the mamma mia songs off the top of their heads

**[13:40] valentino white bag:** theyre all gay kuroo what do u expect

**[13:41] dont say it:** does  _ your  _ team know this stuff off the top of their heads 

**[13:41] valentino white bag:** daichi pls

**[13:41] valentino white bag:** dont ask stupid questions

**[13:42] rubber chicken:** OMG OSAMUS RIGHT

**[13:42] rubber chicken:** I ONLY LISTENED TO PIECES OF EACH SONG BUT IM?????????????? WHAT THE FUCK??????????

**[13:43] valentino white bag:** kuroo im sorry to tell u this but ur soul song is a mario kart soundtrack

**[13:43] oya oya:** i hate it here

**[13:44] oya oya:** kind of unrelated but i ahve plans to change my moms alarm clock ringtone to slippin thru my fingers on the day i graduate high school 

**[13:44] dont say it:** literally why

**[13:44] oya oya:** she was a bitch when i came out and refused to accept me and slippin thru my fingers always makes her bawl her fuckin eyes out. so

**[13:44] rubber chicken:** ,,u scare me

**[13:45] oya oya:** good

**[13:45] valentino white bag:** well i think its a fantastic idea

**[13:45] dont say it:** i think u are both demons from hell 

**[13:46] oya oya:** maybe so

**[13:46] valentino white bag:** whats ur point

**[13:47] dont say it:** sigh

**[13:47] rubber chicken:** HEY HEY HEY WAIT WHAT SONG FROM THE SECOND MOVIE WOULD YALL BE

**[13:47] valentino white bag:** dancing queen, but this time with colin firth and stellan skarsgaard doing the titanic pose on a fishing boat

**[13:48] valentino white bag:** so dancing queen but gayer

**[13:48] oya oya:** yeah thats accurate

**[13:49] kitsune:** i think i’d be “andante, andante.”

**[13:49] rubber chicken:** kita how come u never choose a bop

**[13:49] kitsune:** do i really seem the like type of person whose personality is in line with an upbeat pop song from the eighties?

**[13:49] oya oya:** yeah thats fair

**[13:49] oya oya:** but like,,,,,,,,,,,,,cher and meryl streep and amanda seyfried and lily james ALL singing super trouper was god tier

**[13:49] kitsune:** i would like to add onto my earlier statement and say that hearing cher, meryl streep, lily james, and amanda seyfried sing “super trouper” was also not made for the cishets.

**[13:50] valentino white bag:** all of kitas hot takes are so accurate wtf

**[13:50] kitsune:** it’s a gift.

**[13:51] oya oya:** if i was a song from the second movie id definitely be why did it have to be me lmao

**[13:51] valentino white bag:** yeah bc ur an incurable flirt

**[13:51] oya oya:** maybe so

**[13:51] valentino white bag:** bitch its not a maybe

**[13:52] dont say it:** my team says im waterloo

**[13:52] dont say it:** yknow what ill take it im down to be the gay guys song

**[13:53] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** I’m “Angel Eyes.”

**[13:53] oya oya:** LMAO

**[13:54] oya oya:** ushijima why are u so gay all the time

**[13:54] valentino white bag:** that’s his only personality trait 

**[13:54] dont say it:** oikawa dont be a bitch

**[13:54] oya oya:** daichi u cant just tell someone not to be themself

**[13:55] valentino white bag:** i hate it here

**[13:55] rubber chicken:** ID BE KISSES OF FIRE

**[13:55] rubber chicken:** BURNING BURNING

**[13:55] rubber chicken:** IM AT THE POINT OF NO RETURNINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

**[13:56] oya oya:** go serenade akaashi or smth i dont wanna hear it

**[13:56] rubber chicken:** OKAY :D

**[13:57] kitsune:** i have mamma mia songs stuck in my head now. 

**[13:57] oya oya:** ur welcome

**[13:57] kitsune:** i wasn’t thanking you.

  
  
  


**_kitsune_ ** _ has changed the chat name to  _ **_mamma mia was a gays only event_ **

**[17:14] oya oya:** FSHFSHSFAD??

**[17:15] dont say it:** yeah that fits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love mamma mia. if u dont know the movies i strongly recommend u watch them or at the very least listen to the soundtracks
> 
> if i were mamma mia and mamma mia 2 songs id probs be souper trouper // one of us. what abt u?? feel free to tell me in the comments :>
> 
> be gay do crime see u next time B)


	10. [14:38] dont say it: why would akaashi trust u with a knife

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> name help:
> 
> kuroo tetsurou > oya oya  
> bokuto koutarou > rubber chicken  
> oikawa tooru > valentino white bag  
> sawamura daichi > dont say it  
> ushijima wakatoshi > Ushijima Wakatoshi  
> kita shinsuke > kitsune
> 
> iwaizumi hajime > sonic the hedgehog  
> miya atsumu > big ass mirror

**mamma mia was a gays only event**

**[14:05] oya oya:** oya?

**[14:05] rubber chicken:** oya oya?

**[14:05] oya oya:** oya oya oya?

**[14:06] rubber chicken:** oya oya oya oya? 

**[14:07] oya oya:** oya oya oya oya oya?

**[14:07] rubber chicken:** oya oya oya oya oya oya?

**[14:07] oya oya:** oya oya oya oya oya oya oya?

**[14:08] rubber chicken:** oya oya oya oya oya oya oya oya?

**[14:08] oya oya:** oya oya oya oya oya oya oya oya oya?

**[14:08] rubber chicken:** oya oya oya oya oya oya oya oya oya oya?

_ cut for length _

  
  
  


**[14:31] valentino white bag:** what the fuck

**[14:31] dont say it:** 700……….notifications……………

**[14:32] kitsune:** and i thought the miya twins were bad. 

**[14:32] valentino white bag:** arent u dating one of the miya twins? 

**[14:33] kitsune:** whats your point?

**[14:33] valentino white bag:** thats fair

**[14:34] oya oya:** ur all just jealous of our epic bromance

**[14:34] oya oya:** anyway

**[14:34] oya oya:** welcome to spooky season folks, ill be watching kenma play horror games every day for the next month and crying myself to sleep every time the house shifts

**[14:35] oya oya:** anybody else got halloween plans??

**[14:36] valentino white bag:** iwachan and i are hosting a costume party for seijou!! im trying to convince him to join me for a couples costume but hes so stubborn ;;

**[14:36] dont say it:** and if u look to ur left, u will see oikawa making their pining somehow worse than it already was

**[14:36] valentino white bag:** ok u know what fuck u

**[14:37] kitsune:** osamu and i are watching horror movies whenever possible. i think atsumu wants to host a costume party or go to a street party, but nothing’s set in stone yet.

**[14:37] rubber chicken:** akaashi and i are gonna carve pumpkins!!!!

**[14:38] dont say it:** why would akaashi trust u with a knife

**[14:38] rubber chicken:** mean :<

**[14:39] oya oya:** they arent letting u use the knife, are they

**[14:39] rubber chicken:**

**[14:39] rubber chicken:** no

**[14:39] oya oya:** lmaoooo

**[14:40] dont say it:** karasuno is supposed to have a costume party too, i just dont know where itll be

**[14:41] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** Tendou claims to have plans on Halloween with me, though he won’t tell me what they are.

**[14:42] oya oya:** bruh ur getting murdered

**[14:42] valentino white bag:** good riddance <3

**[14:43] rubber chicken:** wait omg guys!! if u could dress up as anything what would u be 

**[14:43] rubber chicken:** i think i would wanna be an owl!! like an owl mascot costume!!! thatd be fun :>

**[14:44] oya oya:** furry

**[14:44] oya oya:** anyway,,, id be a vampire

**[14:44] oya oya:** but like,, a cool vampire costume. wheel me around in an open casket all night

**[14:45] valentino white bag:** i would like to be the most glamorous and ethereal princess uve ever seen <3

**[14:45] oya oya:** hell yeah

**[14:46] rubber chicken:** dont u mean yell heah

**[14:46] oya oya:** what

**[14:46] rubber chicken:** dont worry abt it

**[14:47] kitsune:** osamu says i should dress as a fox spirit. 

**[14:47] valentino white bag:** why are u literally always with osamu when u text us

**[14:48] kitsune:** we spend a lot of time together.

**[14:48] oya oya:** theyre probably like,, sitting in his lap literally as we speak

**[14:49] kitsune:** no comment.

**[14:49] oya oya:** LMAO EXPOSED

**[14:50] dont say it:** i dont know what costume id like to go as, but suga and i are planning on going as frankensteins monster and frankensteins bride this year

**[14:50] rubber chicken:** ooo!! which one are u gonna be??????????

**[14:51] dont say it:** frankensteins monster,,im not rlly comfortable wearing dresses/skirts

**[14:51] rubber chicken:** thats mega valid!!! u should send us some Selfies when u guys are in costume

**[14:52] valentino white bag:** HANG ON A SECOND

**[14:52] dont say it:** oh no

**[14:52] valentino white bag:** UR GOING AS FRANKENSTEINA DN FRANKENSTIENS  _ BRIDE  _ WITH THE GUY U HAVE A BIG GAY CRUSH ON AND U HAVE THE  _ AUDACITY  _ TO ACT LIKE IM PATHETIC???????? FOR PINING SO HARD????????????????????

**[14:53] valentino white bag:** blocked reported unfriended uninvited to my halloween party 

**[14:53] dont say it:** i think ur being a little dramatic

**[14:54] valentino white bag:** oh im sorry i didnt realize we had never met

**[14:54] dont say it:** point taken

**[14:55] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** I’ll be going as a ghost.

**[14:56] oya oya:** oh dope! like a cool one, with face paint and historical clothes and stuff?

**[14:56] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** No. I’ll be wearing a sheet over my head. Tendou says he’ll give me sunglasses. 

**[14:56] valentino white bag:** ushiwaka stop being boring challenge

**[14:57] dont say it:** dont be mean

**[14:57] oya oya:** lmao why are u booing them theyre lowkey right

**[14:57] valentino white bag:** ***highkey

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is short but so is my attention span lmao
> 
> happy spooky season friends,,,,,,,,,,,,,i love halloween
> 
> be gay do crime see u next time


	11. [19:27] rubber chicken: u will either volunteer or be volun-told (:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> name help:
> 
> kuroo tetsurou > oya oya  
> bokuto koutarou > rubber chicken  
> oikawa tooru > valentino white bag  
> sawamura daichi > dont say it  
> ushijima wakatoshi > Ushijima Wakatoshi  
> kita shinsuke > kitsune
> 
> iwaizumi hajime > sonic the hedgehog  
> miya atsumu > big ass mirror

**mamma mia was a gays only event**

**[19:11] oya oya:** tbt to when we actually used this chat

**[19:11] oya oya:** i cant believe i slaved over a phone screen to make u clowns this chat and this is how u repay me </3

**[19:12] valentino white bag:** why is it our responsibility to strike up conversation

**[19:12] valentino white bag:** u couldve messaged this cchat at any time and we mightve responded

**[19:13] oya oya:** “might”

**[19:13] valentino white bag:** idk if these bitches were ignoring u for a reason. maybe they hate u

**[19:14] oya oya:** rude

**[19:14] valentino white bag:** yes and

**[19:15] rubber chicken:** whatve u all been up to!! how have u been!!!

**[19:16] kitsune:** the twins are currently engaged in a prank war which means for three weeks i no longer have a boyfriend. 

**[19:16] oya oya:** why 3 weeks tho

**[19:17] kitsune:** the first week of the prank war is largely harmless. randomly hidden stuffed animals all over the house/in each others things. whoopie cushions their seats/in their beds

**[19:17] kitsune:** in the second week things get worse. greased floors, turning each others clothes pink, haire dye inthe shampoo bottle.

**[19:17] kitsune:** the third week is by far the worst and most dangerous. osamu still has a burn scar from a prank war several years ago on his arm

**[19:18] oya oya:** bruh

**[19:18] kitsune:** anyone who isn't smart enough to keep their distance during these three weeks is almost always caught in the crossfire, thus osamu and i cannot see each other outside of school for several weeks and even being in school together is a threat to my own safety.

**[19:19] oya oya:** the miya twins are my idols

**[19:19] rubber chicken:** i wanna be like the twins when i grow up

**[19:19] kitsune:** please don’t.

**[19:20] rubber chicken:** i want new friends i think u should all grow a spine and ask out ur crushes!! or else ill be forced to meddle and we all know i have virutally no tact

**[19:20] oya oya:** oh my god hes self aware

**[19:21] dont say it:** can u not just. meet new people and make new friends

**[19:21] rubber chicken:** yeah but then i cant meddle in ur lives and wheres the fun in that :<

**[19:21] kitsune:** you and atsumu are similar in ways i don’t appreciate.

**[19:22] oya oya:** kita are u insulting my bro bc if so u should know that insulting my bro is a capital offense

**[19:22] oya oya:** im afraid ill have to kill u for that

**[19:23] kitsune:** wow, i’m terrified.

**[19:23] valentino white bag:** lmao get their ass kita

**[19:24] oya oya:** if i had 1000 yen for every time someone said that to kita about me

**[19:24] kitsune:** you would only have 1000 yen. this is the first time.

**[19:24] valentino white bag:** bokuto usually says it to me about you

**[19:25] oya oya:**

**_oya oya_ ** _has left the chat_ **_mamma mia was a gays only event_ **

**_valentino white bag_ ** _has added_ **_oya oya_ ** _to the chat_ **_mamma mia was a gays only event_ **

**[19:25] valentino white bag:** get back in here u little bitch

**[19:26] oya oya:** oi

**[19:26] dont say it:** how do we always get here?

**[19:27] rubber chicken:** ok which one of u is going to confess first

**[19:27] rubber chicken:** u will either volunteer or be volun-told (:

**[19:28] valentino white bag:** kita kita pls save us

**[19:28] oya oya:** kita dont let him do this to us

**[19:29] dont say it:** be reasonable, kita

**[19:29] kitsune:** put them through an online choice generator.

**[19:29] rubber chicken:** FDNFDSFASD GREAT IDEA KITA

**[19:29] valentino white bag:** KITA I _TRUSTED YOU_

**[19:30] oya oya:** KITA WHY

**[19:30] dont say it:** i thought you were better than this

**[19:30] kitsune:** lmao why?

**[19:31] oya oya:** i hate it here

**[19:31] valentino white bag:** ditto

**[19:32] rubber chicken:** IM BACK

**[19:32] rubber chicken:** the online search feature selected one (1) lucky winner !!

**[19:32] valentino white bag:** i cant read suddenly, i dont know

**[19:33] oya oya:** coward

**[19:33] dont say it:** pls dont do this

**[19:33] rubber chicken:** dRUMROLL PLEASE

**[19:34] kitsune:** is there an emoji for that?

**[19:34] rubber chicken:** the online choice generator pickedddddddddddddddddddddd

**[19:35] oya oya:** spit it out already would u

**[19:35] rubber chicken:** ur no fun :<

**[19:35] rubber chicken:** DAICHI IS THE LUCKY MAN

**[19:36] rubber chicken:** go confess to suga or die by my sword

**[19:37] rubber chicken:** akaashi told me to tell u that i dont actually have a sword and im not going to kill anyone

**[19:37] oya oya:** tell akaashi i said sounds fake but ok

**[19:38] rubber chicken:** akaashi says they dont like u

**[19:38] oya oya:** yeah thats fair

**[19:38] kitsune:** how are you going to confess, daichi?

**[19:39] dont say it:** this implies im actually going to confess

**[19:39] rubber chicken:** what part of “or die by my sword” didnt u understand

**[19:39] valentino white bag:** tbh i feel like u cant go wrong with a classic when it comes to suga

**[19:39] valentino white bag:** just be honest, and all that sappy shit

**[19:40] oya oya:** buy him flowers for making him wait so long

**[19:40] dont say it:** why is it my fault

**[19:41] dont say it:** if he liked me (and im not saying he does) he couldve told me at any time

**[19:42] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** Show some initiative, Sawamura. Don’t be a coward. 

**[19:42] oya oya:** LMAO

**[19:42] rubber chicken:** FDNAFHFDS

**[19:42] dont say it:** did ushijima just come online for the sole purpose of calling me a coward

**[19:43] kitsune:** seems that way.

**[19:43] dont say it:** i hate my life

  
  
  


**Sawamura Daichi > Sugawara Koushi**

**[19:45] Sawamura Daichi:** hey, are u busy?

**[19:45] Sugawara Koushi:** kinda early for a booty call dont u think

**[19:46] Sawamura Daichi:** n

**[19:46] Sugawara Koushi:** LMAO im jk

**[19:46] Sugawara Koushi:** whats poppin

**[19:47] Sawamura Daichi:** do u want to come over? we can watch a movie or smth

**[19:48] Sugawara Koushi:** HELL YEAH ILL GRAB MY COAT

**[19:48] Sawamura Daichi:** oh boy

  
  
  


**mamma mia was a gays only event**

**_dont say it_ ** _has attached an image file (1)_

**[19:50] dont say it:** are u happy now

**[19:50] oya oya:** hell yeah get it daichi

**[19:50] kitsune:** proud of you.

**[19:51] valentino white bag:** u better keep us updated or i will haul ass to karasuno and kick ur ass myself

**[19:51] oya oya:** tbh i would pay good money to see oikawa trying to kick someones ass

**[19:51] valentino white bag:** tbh i would pay good money to see kuroo get hit by a bus

**[19:52] kitsune:** that escalated quickly.

**[19:52] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** What else is new?

**[19:53] dont say it:** ok everybody shut the fuck up he’s here

**[19:54] oya oya:** GET SOME DAICHI 

**[19:54] dont say it:** i WILL kick u out of ur own group chat, dont think i wont

**[19:54] oya oya:** </3

**[19:55] oya oya:** i am unloved and unappreciated

**[19:55] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** What else is new?

**[19:55] oya oya:** OKAY WOW

**[19:56] kitsune:** i believe that’s what the youths call a “roast.”

**[19:57] valentino white bag:** #dragged

  
 **[19:58] oya oya:** this gc was a mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it begins
> 
> sorry its been like a month,, i have no excuse im just The Worst(TM)
> 
> be gay do crime see u next time,,whenever that is lol


	12. [20:35] oya oya: is it me or is the hs vball league like. unusually full of gays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> name help:
> 
> kuroo tetsurou > oya oya  
> bokuto koutarou > rubber chicken  
> oikawa tooru > valentino white bag  
> sawamura daichi > dont say it  
> ushijima wakatoshi > Ushijima Wakatoshi  
> kita shinsuke > kitsune
> 
> iwaizumi hajime > sonic the hedgehog  
> miya atsumu > big ass mirror

**mamma mia was a gays only event**

**[20:34] oya oya:** so i was thinking

**[20:34] valentino white bag:** did it hurt

**[20:34] oya oya:** hey fuck you

**[20:35] oya oya:** anyway i was thinking and like? 

**[20:35] oya oya:** is it me or is the hs vball league like. unusually full of gays 

**[20:35] oya oya:** i mean the amt of lgbt+ vball players in the hs league this year seems disproportionate

**[20:36] oya oya:** and im not complaining i just?? did we all collectively use volleyball as a coping mechanism as children and therefore have to play on volleyball teams in high school lest we fall victim to crumbling mental health issues?

**[20:37] valentino white bag:** yes

**[20:37] valentino white bag:** mind ur business

**[20:38] oya oya:** damn ok

**_kitsune_ ** _ has changed the chat name to  _ **_do u play volleyball or are u cishet_ **

**[20:38] oya oya:** NFSDNFSDAHSDAF

**[20:38] valentino white bag:** LMAOOOOO

**[20:39] rubber chicken:** NFDAHFDSJFSD

**[20:39] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** They’re right, but they shouldn’t say it.

**[20:40] dont say it:** i chose the wrong time to come online

**[20:41] oya oya:** DAICHI

**[20:41] rubber chicken:** DAICHI

**[20:42] valentino white bag:** DAICHI

**[20:42] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** Daichi.

**[20:42] valentino white bag:** why do u always ruin things ushiwaka

**[20:43] oya oya:** damn oikawa u rlly dont hesitate to go for the throat do u

**[20:43] valentino white bag:** i treat ushiwaka the way i treat spiders:

**[20:43] valentino white bag:** killed without hesitation

**[20:44] dont say it:** i dont think u have the guts to kill a spider

**[20:44] valentino white bag:** whats that supposed to mean

**[20:44] dont say it:** u seem like the type to sell ur house after seeing one (1) spider on the ceiling

**_valentino white bag_ ** _ has left the chat  _ **_do u play volleyball or are u cishet_ **

**[20:45] oya oya:** damn u roasted them so hard they had no choice but to die

**[20:45] oya oya:** too bad nobody leaves this chat

**_oya oya_ ** _ has added  _ **_valentino white bag_ ** _ to the chat  _ **_do u play volleyball or are u cishet_ **

**[20:46] valentino white bag:** let me out

**[20:46] oya oya:** no

**[20:46] oya oya:** anyway daichi spill

**[20:47] rubber chicken:** ooh yeah u gotta tell us how it went with suga!!! 

**[20:47] kitsune:** inquiring minds would like to know.

**[20:48] dont say it:** so its not enough that u pressured me into confessing to begin with?? now yall gotta know every last detail of the conversation??

**[20:48] oya oya:** yes? lmao what kinda question

**[20:49] dont say it:** sigh

**[20:49] dont say it:** it isnt a very thrilling story, just so u know

**[20:50] dont say it:** i invited suga to come over and watch a movie and about halfway through i paused it 

**[20:50] dont say it:** and i confessed that i like him

**[20:51] dont say it:** and he grabbed my face and kissed me and then when he pulled away he just went “its about fucking time, dumbass”

**[20:52] oya oya:** NFNFDSHFSDF 

**[20:52] valentino white bag:** not surprised

**[20:52] rubber chicken:** insert kronk meme here

**[20:53] rubber chicken:** the one thats like. oh yeah. its all coming together

**[20:53] rubber chicken:** WE’RE GONNA GET A BIG GAY VOLLEYBALL GROUPCHAT!! im very excited

**[20:54] kitsune:** we can tell. 

**[20:55] oya oya:** wait guys going bck to my earlier convo topic

**[20:55] oya oya:** i still think its super weird?? i eamn literally of the six of us four of us are trans and all of us are gay in some way. oikawas entire team is gay, akarasuno is almost entirely gay, i mean i just

**[20:56] oya oya:** what are the odds of that??

**[20:56] rubber chicken:** i may not be the best at math but shouldnt it be that five of us are trans?

**[20:57] oya oya:** ???

**[20:57] rubber chicken:** well i mean theres me, you, kita, oikawa, and daichi

**[20:57] oya oya:** _????????? _

**[20:58] rubber chicken:**

**[20:58] rubber chicken:** did i forget to tell u that

**[20:59] oya oya:** _ YES????????? _

**[20:59] rubber chicken:** lmao rip

**[20:59] valentino white bag:** this is the most in-character thing ive ever seen bokuto do

**[21:00] dont say it:** im not even surprised

**[21:00] kitsune:** what are your pronouns?

**[21:00] rubber chicken:** they/them!!! we’re buddies!!!!!!!

**[21:01] oya oya:** nfdsnafsd wait

**[21:01] oya oya:** do u realize what this means

**[21:02] valentino white bag:** do i want to know

**[21:02] oya oya:** bokuto and kita are just. theyre basically clones of each other at this point

**[21:02] valentino white bag:** i hate that ur right

**[21:03] kitsune:** i regret the day i became active on this chat.

**[21:04] oya oya:** yknow speaking of

**[21:04] oya oya:** why  _ did  _ u become active here

**[21:04] oya oya:** i mean like u ignored ur invite for several days which wouldve been fine if u were semi inactive like ushijima

**[21:05] oya oya:** but ur not?? did u just decide we werent worth it at first??

**[21:05] kitsune:** **** i wasn’t originally planning on speaking here, but atsumu dared me to and i never back down from a challenge. i have a reputation to uphold

**[21:06] valentino white bag:** im beginning to understand how u can date a miya twin

**[21:06] valentino white bag:** kita at first glance seems all calm and put together but when u get beneath the surface theyre just a savage ready to dstreoy u at any moment

**[21:07] kitsune:** and what of it?

**[21:07] oya oya:** fsdnfsadhasdf

**[21:08] rubber chicken:** unrelated but i think oikawa and kuroo should fist fight for the honor of being the next to confess to their crush

**[21:08] valentino white bag:** why would i fist fight someone for the honor of doing something i dont want to do

**[21:09] oya oya:** ditto

**[21:09] rubber chicken:** because if u dont :( ill be sad :(

**[21:09] valentino white bag:** i can live with that

**[21:10] rubber chicken:** :(((((((((

**[21:10] kitsune:** sorry, bokuto. i think you forgot that oikawa is heartless, so frowny face emojis don’t work on them.

**[21:10] valentino white bag:** WOW

**[21:11] valentino white bag:** I BREATHED??

**[21:11] kitsune:** you should stop doing that. 

**[21:12] oya oya:** LMAOOFSDOFSDNSFDAH

**[21:12] valentino white bag:** KITA I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS??

**[21:13] kitsune:** ha.

**[21:13] valentino white bag:**

**_valentino white bag_ ** _ has left the chat  _ **_do u play volleyball or are u cishet_ **

**[21:13] oya oya:** now look what u did

**[21:13] oya oya:** way to go kita

**_oya oya_ ** _ has added  _ **_valentino white bag_ ** _ to the chat _

**[21:14] kitsune:** for legal reasons, i was joking. 

**[21:14] valentino white bag:** why would u play with my emotions like that kita ;^;

**[21:15] kitsune:** entertainment value, mostly.

**[21:15] valentino white bag:** W OW

**[21:15] dont say it:** this is why i dont check this chat very often

**[21:16] rubber chicken:** yeah but why would u want to miss watching kita roast the shit out of oikawa 

**[21:16] valentino white bag:** youre laughing. kita just roasted the everliving shit out of me and youre laughing.

**[21:17] oya oya:** lmao why wouldnt we

**[21:18] valentino white bag:** i hate it here

**[21:18] kitsune:** we know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pspspsp pls,,, someone tell me if i should get kuroken or iwaoi together next,, lmk in the comments,,, thanks,,,
> 
> anyway it snowed where i live and im like. its only november. but also its already november so i shouldnt be #surprised
> 
> be gay do crime see u next time <3


	13. [09:25] dont say it: why cant any of u losers just use the fucking emojis why do u have to type them out every time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> name help:
> 
> kuroo tetsurou > oya oya  
> bokuto koutarou > rubber chicken  
> oikawa tooru > valentino white bag  
> sawamura daichi > dont say it  
> ushijima wakatoshi > Ushijima Wakatoshi  
> kita shinsuke > kitsune
> 
> iwaizumi hajime > sonic the hedgehog  
> miya atsumu > big ass mirror

**do u play volleyball or are u cishet**

**_kitsune_ ** _ has attached a video file. _

**[09:08] oya oya:** is that,, a video of ur bf eating popcorn and rating ppls stops at a stop sign

**[09:08] valentino white bag:** “no effort was made there and i respect that. 10/10” CRYIGN

**[09:08] valentino white bag:** atsumu is a chaotic bastard but like. osamu is the same amount of chaotic just in a different way

**[09:09] kitsune:** this is his favorite game to play during winter

**[09:09] kitsune:** after every blizzard he will drag a chair out to his yard and watch cars try (and fail) to pull up to the stop sign outside of his house. he always brings snacks. 

**[09:09] oya oya:** hes my hero

**[09:10] dont say it:** is this his idea of a date

**[09:11] kitsune:** he brought me a muffin to apologize for the prank war

**[09:11] rubber chicken:** NFDSNSDFH WAIT KITA DID U GET PRANKED

**[09:11] kitsune:** i don’t want to talk about it.

**[09:12] oya oya:** LMAOOOO

**[09:12] oya oya:** hundred yen says the prank was osamus fault

**[09:12] kitsune:** I Don’t Want To Talk About It.

**[09:13] valentino white bag:** thats a yes

**[09:13] oya oya:** wait wait wait. whats he doing now is he still rating

**_kitsune_ ** _ has attached a video file _

**[09:14] rubber chicken:** THE BUS WAS DRIFTINGS??

**[09:14] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** That doesn’t seem safe.

**[09:15] dont say it:** osamu is deriving a little too much joy from something as dangerous as a bus drifting on an icy road

**[09:15] kitsune:** maybe so. 

**[09:15] rubber chicken:** i cant wait for the day all of us are dating someone and we all get to meet osamu for ourselves

**[09:16] rubber chicken:** i want to be his best friend

**[09:16] oya oya:** but bro

**[09:16] oya oya:** what about us

**[09:16] oya oya:** bwaht about everything we’ve been thru

**[09:17] rubber chicken:** what bout trust

**[09:17] oya oya:** u know i never wanted to hurt u

**[09:18] rubber chicken:** what about me?

**[09:18] oya oya:** WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO

**[09:19] rubber chicken:** i gotta leave but ill miss u T~T

**[09:20] dont say it:** are u finished

**[09:20] oya oya:** dont u know its rude to interrupt a performance

**[09:21] dont say it:** sorry

**[09:21] rubber chicken:** im just gonna say it

**[09:21] rubber chicken:** hsm 2 was better than hsm 1

**[09:21] valentino white bag:** if u were trying to be controversial, u have to say smth ppl will actually disagree with

**[09:22] oya oya:** hsm 3 soundtrack was better than hsm 2 tho

**[09:22] dont say it:** had it not been for the laws of this land, i wouldve slaughtered u

**[09:23] oya oya:** damn ok sorry i didnt realize we had this amount of passion for the hsm trilogy

**[09:23] kitsune:** why wouldn’t we be passionate about a cinematic masterpiece?

**[09:24] valentino white bag:** thinkin abt how technically hsm 3 isnt a dcom like its predecessors bc that shit was so successful they released it in theaters,,,big sparkle emoji moment

**[09:25] dont say it:** why cant any of u losers just use the fucking emojis why do u have to type them out every time

**[09:26] valentino white bag:** aesthetic

**[09:26] dont say it:** i hate u

**09:26] valentino white bag:** oh no,, how will i ever recover,,

**[09:27] rubber chicken:** gUYS WAIT

**[09:27] rubber chicken:** ONE OF U SHOULD ASK OUT UR CRUSH USING AN HSM SONG

**[09:28] rubber chicken:** ID CRY THATD BE SO CUTE SO CUTE COS SFDUFDSE CUTEEEEE

**[09:29] oya oya:** bro calm down

**[09:29] oya oya:** i would do that but i think thatd be like. a sure fire way to get kenma to say no to me

**[09:30] oya oya:** looks to oikawa

**[09:30] kitsune:** looks to oikawa

**[09:30] dont say it:** looks to oikawa

**[09:30] rubber chicken:** looks to oikawa

**[09:31] valentino white bag:** fuck off

**[09:31] valentino white bag:** there arent even any good serenading songs

**[09:32] kitsune:** have you ever seen high school musical?

**[09:33] oya oya:** i mean seriously like. start of something new EXISTS??

**[09:33] dont say it:** breaking free

**[09:33] kitsune:** you are the music in me

**[09:34] rubber chicken:** everyday!!

**[09:34] oya oya:** right here right now

**[09:35] kitsune:** can i have this dance

**[09:36] valentino white bag:** sTOP TYPING I GET IT

**[09:37] valentino white bag:** im not asking iwa-chan out by serenading him!! hed probably throw a volleyball at my head or smth

**[09:37] kitsune:** i think you’re overreacting.

**[09:38] dont say it:** no ive watched it happen before

**[09:38] valentino white bag:** iwa-chan is bi which means hes got the repressed emotions of a gay while also being buff and hot which means that he doesnt know how to properly express his emotions which means that i am constantly in danger of being assaulted by a flying volleyball

**[09:38] oya oya:** yeah that tracks

**[09:38] rubber chicken:** makes sense

**[09:39] oya oya:** BUT HAVE U CONSIDERED

**[09:39] oya oya:** iwaizumi is like definitely in love w u so if u serenade him he’ll probs think its cute 

**[09:40] rubber chicken:** NDFSNSDFHSDF what if he pulls an osamu and goes catatonic for several minutes

**[09:41] kitsune:** i don’t think oikawa would know how to respond to that, and would promptly go catatonic as well.

**[09:41] oya oya:**

**[09:41] oya oya:** so u think they would both just be standing there like. staring blankly at each other for several mins

**[09:42] kitsune:** basically.

**[09:42] valentino white bag:** why doesnt anybody respect me here

**[09:43] Ushijima Wakatoshi:** It's what you deserve.

**[09:43] valentino white bag:** fuck OFF

**[09:44] oya oya:** wow i think thats the first time ushijima has spoken to oikawa and oikawa didnt immediately leave. can u say character development

**_valentino white bag_ ** _ has left the chat  _ **_do u play volleyball or are u cishet_ **

**[09:45] oya oya:** sigh

**[09:45] dont say it:** why would u point it out as if u didnt expect oikawa “petty” tooru to IMMEDIATELy contradict u

**[09:45] oya oya:** _ sigh _

**_oya oya_ ** _ has added  _ **_valentino white bag_ ** _ to the chat  _ **_do u play volleyball or are u cishet_ **

**[09:46] oya oya:** get back here

**[09:46] valentino white bag:** no

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> iwaoi iwaoi iwaoi iwaoi
> 
> so uh,,,,,,,,,,maybe i will turn that iwaoi confession into a oneshot,, lmk in the comments if u would like to see smth dorky like that
> 
> sorry to the kuroken stans out there i jsut felt my iwaoi heart calling to me
> 
> be gay do crime see u next time

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to the party
> 
> hang out w me on tumblr @fake-charliebrown or @enbykita or check out my [carrd](https://fakecharliebrown.carrd.co/)


End file.
